Scenes we'd like to see

Unlikely things to hear on MOTD one:

Gary Lineker "Alan, how do you think Alan Pardew will feel after beating QPR 3-1"
Alan Shearer "I think Krul looks a worldclass keeper, the defence is good and they are strong in midfield. I like what Pardew has done with the team, and they look like a class act"

 

Im afraid Im not as offensive as Frankie Boyle.

 

Unlikely NUFC press releases: Newcastle announce talk in date: An Evening with Mike Ashley

Unlikely quotes from Steve Bruce's autobiography: It's not fun working on the dark side

Unlikely Joey Barton Tweets: I'm grateful being able to play football or else I'd be a thieving TWOC er .

Unlikely CWarr Tweets: Lads, I'm sorry but I made the last one up.

Questions that wouldn't be asked at an England press conference: Capello, how can you justify £6m wages for your part time role?

Things a Middlesbrough tour guide wouldn't say: Face masks at the ready

Things you wouldn't hear during Soccer Saturday: Jeff has lost his voice

Unlikely things to hear a Sky Sports News reporter say: As first reported on the BBC

Likely Stadium of Light PA announcements: Would the large queue of fans outside please note this is not Turnstile 34b but for the Chip Van.

Unlikely things for Pardew to say: i'm a yes man

Unlikely things to hear on Match of the Day: Lawro, how do you feel being a failure when Newcastle defence coach>

 

Thank you.

 

Unlikely quotes from Steve Bruce's autobiography: It was without doubt, the highlight of my entire career. We beat Newcastle, finally, at the 10th time of trying! The boys, fairplay to them stood up and showed the world what they were capable of. 6-0, an amazing result. Especially at St James' Park. However, my world got turned upside down when my wife came downstairs and unplugged the Xbox.

Unlikely things to hear on Match of the Day: Next Up, were going to Stalingrad. Where Nazi Germany, who have been on a good run of form lately. We're facing a tired looking Soviet Union. Your commentator for this one is Lord Haw Haw. Sit back, this should be a fiesty one.

 

Unlikely NUFC press releases: We are delighted to announce the signing of 'top striker' who we believe is well worth his £15m fee

Unlikely quotes from Steve Bruce's autobiography: I love Sunderland me, I hate Newcastle though

Unlikely Joey Barton Tweets: Missing my mate Mike Ashley <3

Unlikely CWarr Tweets: I admit it, I know absoultely **** all

Questions that wouldn't be asked at an England press conference: So John, was Wayne's lass a good shag?

Things a Middlesbrough tour guide wouldn't say: Middlesbrough are a massive club

Things you wouldn't hear during Soccer Saturday: We are all a bunch of losers because we thought Newcastle were poor, when they are clearly the greatest team the world has ever seen

Unlikely things to hear a Sky Sports News reporter say: Newcastle (They always say Noocarsel)

Unlikely Stadium of Light PA announcements: Steve Bruce's song is about to get played

Unlikely things for Pardew to say: The truth

Unlikely things to hear on Match of the Day: Anything good about Joey Barton