You can always tell when players are on drugs when mars bars and kebabs are delivered to the dressing room at half time.
Football in Turmoil Amidst Dope Claims An undercover N606 QPR report has revealed that dopes are widespread among the footballing elite. Initial findings are that upwards of 75% of professional footballers display traits of dopiness. When asked for their thoughts, one footballer said that he’d forgotten his Facebook password so couldn’t possibly comment while another blankly responded, “Comment? That's one of Santa’s reindeer innit?” One, more forthcoming individual said that allegations are a bit like a pulled hamstring but not as bad as a cruciate injury. A souce close to an unnamed Premier League side said, “I didn't believe it at first but then I saw the players trying to find their cars after training - it was absolute chaos. More like a swingers party in a hareem with all the car keys being swapped.” An FA spokesman denied the claims saying that all tests have so far come back negative - GCSEs, eleven pluses and even basic spelling competitions. However, he refused to rule out mandatory colouring competitions in a bid to root out the problem. NEXT WEEK. Can giving 110% cause nosebleeds?
