I met my girlfriends parents for the 1st time last night. Her dad took me aside and said '' if you ever hurt her you'll have me to answer to''.I said ''thats highly unlikely Ive only got a small cock and she's got an arsehole like a hippo's yawn'' ;-)
I had my income tax return sent back to me today, because in response to question 4, do you have any dependants? I wrote; 2.1 million illegal immigrants 1.5 million heroin & crack users 2.8 million unemployed 5 million Jeremy Kyle scroungers 1 million prisoners in 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in parliament The residents of Greece, Spain, Italy, Ireland & Portugal. They state this answer was unacceptable. Who The **** did I Forget
DOUBLE ENTENDRE Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked : "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Me dog got out of the garden an ive been looking for hours in the snow. I told the wife that I coudn't find him, she snapped ''LOOK FUGGIN HARDER''.So iv'e shaved me head an got some tattoos on me forehead......................................... I still cant find the fuggin dog.....................
DOUBLE ENTENDRE No 2 Ken Brown cmmentatating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny , other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Shagged me best mates wife last night and today i feel awful.............she must of had the flu or something !!!!!!
A power cut in Irelands largest department store caused havoc earlier today-some customers were stuck on the escalators for almost three hours.
My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse. I was so relieved, there was no way I could get another eight pouches of Golden Virginia in the case!
Went to the doctors and he told me I need a pacemaker, so now I've got this annoying Kenyon C**T two yards in front of me everywhere I go !!!!
DOUBLE ENTENDRE 3 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: " Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets".
Watching the news recently about a stricken cruise ship and the sky presenter said '' She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court'' all i did was glance at the wife..................and now it's all kicked orf !!!!!!!!
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DOUBLE ENTENDRE4 Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
I spoke to one of my wifes kidnappers today, He said ''We want fifty grand or we will kill your wife''. I said ''Cant you make it 100 grand?'' he said '' why do you think she's worth more?'' i said '' No.....I haven't got 100 grand''
DOUBLE ENTENDRE 5 Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Kepple on This Morning: " She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night".
When are these Jimmy Saville allegations ever going to end??? Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it.......
Susan Boyle has defended him. She said she was on Jim'll fix it as a 13 year old and he never touched her !!!!!!!
DOUBLE ENTENDRE 6 Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees!"
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says: "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks a while Finally he says: "I want a bottle of beer that is never empty." With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says: "I'll take two more of these."