I can't come in here and not add a few so another couple from me . A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
A primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary ,why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan" she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asks "Well if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Chelsea fan and proud of it" Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why pray tell,are you a Chelsea fan?" " Because my Mum is a Chelsea fan and my Dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!" "Well" the teacher said in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You dont have to be like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a drug addict, what would you be then?" "Then" Mary replied "I'd be a Liverpool fan!"
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you she will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' God replied, 'An arm and a leg.' Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?' Of course, the rest is history............!!!!
Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube? A. A laughing stock. Q What is the height of optimism? A: English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car at high speed? A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommy cricket team? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. Q. What's the difference between the Pommy cricket team and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
I thought the missus was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month’s vacation and five good leads.'
Thought I'd share this one as had me in stitches http://www.dailystar.co.uk/sport/fo...tribute-to-Juan-Mata-with-Boyzone-themed-song
One for today from a non believer What’s the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Anyone know where I can pick up a good van. My mate Roy Cropper needs one, his old tranny died on him a couple of weeks ago.
Bluemoon this one is even funnier, I have been trying to link it for ages and it wouldn't work today it did. It becomes a bit of an earworm though if you remember the original http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKLToXzyeXQ
"Its only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles, that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence!"
What do you call a female athlete who passes wind in your beer? Fartinmywhitbread What's the difference between a quality tyre and 365 condoms? It being a good year, and a very good year (thank you Nick Frisbee and Larry the Loafer)