Barman notices Paddys empty glass and asks if he would like another one? Paddy looking puzzled replies why the **** would I want two empty glasses.
Paddy goes on a scuba diving coarse and the tutor asks him why do you think you go out the boat backwards, he said cos if you go forwards you still end up in the boat.
Paddy is on university challenge and bamber asks him what are you answering questions on, paddy replies greek mythology bamber asks whats do you call something half human and half beast paddy says i know that one is it buffalo bill.
A guy takes his pet parrot to the vets in tears, as his beloved bird lies motionless at the bottom of the cage, “I think he’s dead,” he wailed. The vet looks at the parrot, places him on the table “Yes” he nods “it looks like it, but we really ought to make sure” and then starts trilling like a bird. Immediately a large tabby cat bounds in, jumps on the table and slowly looks at the bird, up and down before shaking his head. The vet then whistles and an old Labrador puts his paws up on the table, has a really good sniff before shaking his head. The vet disappears for 5 minutes with a letter confirming the parrot is dead and an invoice for 400 pounds. The customer is in disbelief “how an earth can you justify these charges?” he exclaims. “Well”, comes the reply, “the letter cost 20 pounds and there’s another 380 pounds for the lab report and cat scan.”
"Eat your dinner." I said to my young son. "I don't want to!" He replied, pushing his plate away. "Look, I know you're upset about the death of your dog," I began, "but as long as you avoid the fur, he's actually quite delicious."
I couldn't take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I'd ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left. Later on my mate passed me a piece of paper and said, "Oh... I forgot. That lass at the bar asked me to give you this." On it she'd written, "I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don't you get in touch sometime," followed by her phone number. The most amazing thing was that she had signed the note, "from Horseface." I couldn't help but admire how she'd come to terms with the way she looked in such a self-deprecating and humorous way, so I decided to text her and ask for a date. "Hi Horseface," I wrote, "I'd love to meet up sometime. Next Tuesday OK?" I'd just fired off the text when my mate saw what I was doing and said, "You're not actually replying to that are you? ****ing hell, Dave![NSFW]I only wrote Horseface on the bottom so you'd know it was that ****ing ugly one!"[/NSFW]
Two Apache indians get drafted in the second world war. As they are don't speak English, they have shoulder patches to indicate so. They get dumped on the beach in Normandy and the Germans are throwing all sorts at them. They're terrified and jump into a large shell hole each. A big G.I. jumps in one of the holes and seeing the shoulder patches, signs to the Apache in there. You with the infantry? (Walking motion with fingers) Parachute regiment? ( Moves arm out and up and then slowly down wafting side-to-side). No reaction. Artillery? ( Clenched right arm with inside of elbow being held with left hand and pumping against left hand) Indians eyes widen! Got it! Observer corps!!! (Forms hands into binoculars) Indian is up and out of there, into the shell hole of his mate. Mate says it's dangerous around here. Indian says worse in the other shell hole. There's a guy who signed " When the buffalo roam (Walking motion with fingers), the winds blow and the snows fall ( Moves arm out and up and then slowly down wafting side-to-side), he's gonna shag me ( Clenched right arm with inside of elbow being held with left hand and pumping against left hand) till me eyes pop out" (Forms hands into binoculars)!!!!!!!
