While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... Today you voted.
A bloke on the first tee at his local course was approached by an absolutely beautiful young lady, she tells him that she is a new member and would he accompany her on her first round of golf on the course. The bloke tells her that he will and they both tee off. The young lady absolutely hammers the bloke beating him 5 and 4. They go for a drink in the clubhouse and the young lady can see the bloke is devastated by the hammering and she tells him that she is sorry for humiliating him and to appease him she says, “come around the back of the clubhouse and I’ll give you a blow job to make up for it”, obviously the bloke is up for it so off they go. When they finish, the bloke asks her if she fancies a round of golf the next day and she agrees. The next day they tee off and again she hammers him, this time 7 and 6, they go for a drink in the clubhouse, the bloke is suicidal so she tells him again that she feels awful and would he like to go around the back of the clubhouse for a blow job. This happens for the next four days, they play a round of golf she hammers him and then takes him around the back of the clubhouse and gives him a blow job. They play again on the seventh day, same story she hammers him again 7 and 6 and she invites him around the back of the clubhouse for a blow job, this time the bloke says, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful, but for six consecutive days you have embarrassed me on the golf course, then you have taken me around the back of the clubhouse and given me a blow job, I am devastated that you beat me so easily on the course, but thankful for our little escapades behind the clubhouse, but just this once, is there any chance that we could have full blown sex instead of a blow job?” The young lady tells the bloke that she has a confession to make; she says “I am sorry, I have misled you, I am not a woman, I am a female impersonator and I am really a man so it’s not possible for us to have full blown sex. The bloke says, “You cheating bastard, you’ve been playing off the ladies tees all week”.
The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
The Bunning’s Story! (Bunnings is a hardware chain store btw) Darrel was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Jan if she would go to Bunnings Hardware and pick up a hinge. Jan agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set... When the man was finished, Jan asked him, "How much is that vanity set? The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00." Jan exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Darrel had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" Jan paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set." This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!
David Beckham decided to go horse-riding one day. > >Although he had no previous experience he skilfully mounted the animal >first time and appeared to be in complete command of the situation as >the horse galloped along at a steady pace. > >Victoria admiringly watched her husband from a safe distance. After a >short time David became a little too casual and started to lose his >grip in the saddle. He began to panic and grabbed the horse around the >neck shouting for it to stop. > >Victoria started to scream and shouted for someone to help her husband >as David had by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and was >saved from hitting the ground only by the fact that he still had a grip >on the horse's neck. > >David decided that his best chance was to leap away from the horse but >his foot had become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse >galloped along David's head started to bang on the ground and he >slipped gradually into unconsciousness. > >By now Victoria was frantic and screamed and screamed for help. Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard came out of the store and unplugged the horse.
