O/T Heatwave!

[zogean_king]

Nabbed from the Yahoo comments page....



ADVICE TO THE BRITISH POPULACE DURING HEATWAVE.

During the next few days you may experience some unnerving effects; DO NOT PANIC!

Here are a few guidelines to help you through the approaching crisis.

1: That big, yellow ball in the sky is called the Sun. It is a natural phenomenon and is not to be confused with the tabloid daily of the same name, so don’t worry News International are in the process of suing God over the breach of copyright.

2: It will create two unusual apparitions. A) Light areas and B) dark areas. Light areas are warm and bright BE CAREFUL avoid at all costs, you could end up looking like a full English breakfast (see 4); Dark areas are called SHADOWS (not to be confused with Hank Marvin) they are a natural occurrence and should not be the cause of paranoia, you all have your own personal shadow which follows you around – you are not being stalked by a lanky illegal immigrant.

3: DRINK A LOT. This does not give you license to imbibe copious amounts of alcohol, run down the high street singing and vomiting into the gutter and offering sexual favours to passing strangers for another drink; you are in Lemington Spa and NOT Magalluf, please vomit in the litter bins provided.

4: SUNSHINE IS DANGEROUS. You should wear protective clothing such as full body protection on sale in good post- Glasnost Soviet State Surplus stores, look for labels marked “Chernobl Issue; Only used once”. Wear only after applying SPF354 with a trowel.

5: This type of weather does give you license to drive your car with all the windows down (there is normally a button on the door panel with two arrows), and play “In the Summertime” by Mungo Jerry and/or the Greatest Hits of Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince at full volume. You should be able to find these CD’s at the bottom of your glove compartment. Please be advised that if they have been in your vehicle but not played for a couple of years, they may have transmuted into “Queen’s Greatest Hits”.

6: If you wish to lay on the beach, please ensure to wear luminous green vests bearing the epithets “What Goes on in Hemsby , stays in Hemsby” or “Made in Britain, destroyed in Cromer”. This is to avoid being mistaken for pods of Sperm Wales and being forced into the water by panicking Green Peace supporters.
BE SAFE OUT THERE.

 

[canary-dave]

Very good Zoggy! I like it!

 

[zogean_king]

Having lived in Australia (working in a desert) for over 3 years now I come back every British summer and have a real laugh at the heat wave panics

 

[Rich44]

Bit different in Australia though, they're built for it there.

In this country at temps approaching 30C our roads melt,
the expansion joints in rail lines run out and rails buckle
Most people do not have access to aircon
Homes not built to dissipate heat

That's the trouble with this country we can't cope with extremes either too hot or too cold.

 

[zogean_king]

You say that, but the houses in Newman where I work are little more than tin shacks with air conditioning bolted to them. Granted the air con is good but the lack of insulation leads to bills of about $2000 (£1100) a month for power in the summer. The roads are made of different materials, but the trains in Perth go slower in the heat due to the buckling.

 

[Rich44]

Yeah that's true but you expect it to be like that, you know it's gonna be hot so I suspect the population has adjusted.

Going back to here makes you laugh doesn't it week before last absolute scorcher then 2 days later raining and really cold like October again it's the swings that cause the problem

 

[ColkOfTheBarclay]

That's the problem, we get 2 days of lovely weather, then just as we're getting used to it it's torrential rain time again. There's a reason most Brits always talk about the weather, it's because it's so freaking changeable!

 

[zogean_king]

I understand that but I go from Perth say 30 Celsius to Newman say 43 or say Perth 20 Newman 35 regularly and in the winter Perth can get down to 2-3 and then up to 25 at times, same with Newman so it does swing wildly.

 

[ColkOfTheBarclay]

I bet it's roughly the same for a few months, then slowly changes through the year though. For us it's every season in a week usually.

 

[zogean_king]

Yeah I know it's great...... Now off to the archaeological dig at Sedgeford if anyone is in Norfolk come for a visit

 

[Bath-Canary]

Bit different in Australia though, they're built for it there.

In this country at temps approaching 30C our roads melt,
the expansion joints in rail lines run out and rails buckle
Most people do not have access to aircon
Homes not built to dissipate heat

That's the trouble with this country we can't cope with extremes either too hot or too cold.

Largely places don't bother to account for rate weather events and they have an effect all over the world. In places in California the roads aren't cambered and many houses have no guttering so heavy rain has a serious effect.
I was in Seattle once when it snowed and the city was basically closed, snow no worse than we have here they appeared to have one snow plow. In fact it was due to snow the day before it did and loads if places were shut, just in case.
We then went back to Vancouver where my girlfriend lived at the time and they had had maybe a foot more snow and it was line nobody even noticed.
Generally it's just not worth the expense on infrastructure but when viewed from the outside can be really amusing.