John walks into the pub and sees his mate Barry looking a bit glum. Being a mate he asks whats wrong. 'Its this advert thing in the paper, says its gonna cost me ã1 an inch. I've got a 40 foot ladder for sale'.
None Footy - Jokes Thread
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Bloke walks into a bar, and shouts "****". It was a metal bar, right on the shin.
A monkey is in the jungle in the mating season. He's horny as hell, but had a couple of hidings from tougher monkeys so he's sulking when he sees an elephant. A cow elephant. Why not, he thinks and climbs a tree and shins out over the elephant. Then drops down and gives her one. The elephant is startled, bolts and bumps into a tree - she shouts "arrggH" the monkey shouts back "That hurts yeh? just wait until you've the FULL length".
A monkey is in the jungle in the mating season. He's horny as hell, but had a couple of hidings from tougher monkeys so he's sulking when he sees an elephant. A cow elephant. Why not, he thinks and climbs a tree and shins out over the elephant. Then drops down and gives her one. The elephant is startled, bolts and bumps into a tree - she shouts "arrggH" the monkey shouts back "That hurts yeh? just wait until you've the FULL length".
Husband and Wife on 10th wedding anniversary, wife undresses and says 'what did you think 10 years ago?
He says 'I wanted to **** you're brains out and suck you're tits dry'
She says, 'Well what do you think now?'
'Looks like I did a pretty good job!'
He says 'I wanted to **** you're brains out and suck you're tits dry'
She says, 'Well what do you think now?'
'Looks like I did a pretty good job!'
I've just bought my girlfriend a present for Valentine's Day.
I can't believe how expensive chocolate is these days.
I mean, 17p for a Freddo is a ****ing disgrace.
I can't believe how expensive chocolate is these days.
I mean, 17p for a Freddo is a ****ing disgrace.
Seeing as we have a few frog themed jokes on here:
A little boy is walking down the road dragging a flattened frog on a string, he walks upto the local brothel and taps on the door. When the madam answers he says, 'I want to have sex with the dirtiest girl you've got, she has to have lots of diseases as well' 'I've got ã500 to spend'
The madam eyes light up and says 'that'll be me then!, but tell me why you want a disease?
The boy says, ''well, tonight after my mum and dad go out my babysitter will shag me coz she likes cute little boys. Later when my dad runs her home he'll shag her in a layby. When he comes home and goes to bed, my mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when dad goes to work my mum will shag the milkman, now he's the bastard that ran me ****ing frog over!!!
A little boy is walking down the road dragging a flattened frog on a string, he walks upto the local brothel and taps on the door. When the madam answers he says, 'I want to have sex with the dirtiest girl you've got, she has to have lots of diseases as well' 'I've got ã500 to spend'
The madam eyes light up and says 'that'll be me then!, but tell me why you want a disease?
The boy says, ''well, tonight after my mum and dad go out my babysitter will shag me coz she likes cute little boys. Later when my dad runs her home he'll shag her in a layby. When he comes home and goes to bed, my mum will want a good seeing to and tomorrow when dad goes to work my mum will shag the milkman, now he's the bastard that ran me ****ing frog over!!!
3 ducks are in a bar.. the barman turns to huey and says -hows your day been? - quite good says huey, been down the park, in and out of puddles all day....
then the barman turns to duey, and says, hows your day been?..pretty good too says duey, been in the park too, in and out of puddles all day...
so the barman turns to the 3rd duck, who looks a bit grumpy..and says hows your day been luey?..the 3rd duck says, its been ****, and im not luey , im puddles!
then the barman turns to duey, and says, hows your day been?..pretty good too says duey, been in the park too, in and out of puddles all day...
so the barman turns to the 3rd duck, who looks a bit grumpy..and says hows your day been luey?..the 3rd duck says, its been ****, and im not luey , im puddles!
Old gag...
A doctor has a patient and a brisk but elderly man strolls in, shakes hands, and sits down.
Dr says "A full healthcheck, yes"...the checks are done and the doctor says
"for an 80 year old, you're in very good health....can I ask why you're having a checkover? Any health concerns? Aches or pains?"
"No, I'm fine....it's just that I was chatting to Jordan and she fancied a more...intimate chat tonight."
The Dr looks at him and says "Would you do a trial? It's a new drug called Viagra...will rekindle the fires of youth and all you have to do is report back"
The old guy nods.
The next morning, the old man comes in - hunched over, heavy breathing and clinging to the table. He sits down with a sigh, then gets his breath back.
"Good night?" Said the doctor.
"19 times" replies the old man, head in hands.
"19 times" said the doctor "You'll be wanting something for your bad back!"
"No fella...I want something for my bad arm - she didn't turn up"
A doctor has a patient and a brisk but elderly man strolls in, shakes hands, and sits down.
Dr says "A full healthcheck, yes"...the checks are done and the doctor says
"for an 80 year old, you're in very good health....can I ask why you're having a checkover? Any health concerns? Aches or pains?"
"No, I'm fine....it's just that I was chatting to Jordan and she fancied a more...intimate chat tonight."
The Dr looks at him and says "Would you do a trial? It's a new drug called Viagra...will rekindle the fires of youth and all you have to do is report back"
The old guy nods.
The next morning, the old man comes in - hunched over, heavy breathing and clinging to the table. He sits down with a sigh, then gets his breath back.
"Good night?" Said the doctor.
"19 times" replies the old man, head in hands.
"19 times" said the doctor "You'll be wanting something for your bad back!"
"No fella...I want something for my bad arm - she didn't turn up"
And a bit of Billy Connoly
A city kid goes out in the sticks on a school trip...has a good day and his dad asks him what was there.
Well, there was a shed full of chickens, a pond with ducks, a hilly field with sheep, a field full of ****ers, a field for hay, a field with corn...
Woa, woa - what was in the field?
Hay
No, before that.
****ers
****ers? Who told you they were called that?
Mr Richardson.
Right, I'm calling the school. You sure Mr Richardson said that?
Well....he called them effers, but we knew what he meant.
A city kid goes out in the sticks on a school trip...has a good day and his dad asks him what was there.
Well, there was a shed full of chickens, a pond with ducks, a hilly field with sheep, a field full of ****ers, a field for hay, a field with corn...
Woa, woa - what was in the field?
Hay
No, before that.
****ers
****ers? Who told you they were called that?
Mr Richardson.
Right, I'm calling the school. You sure Mr Richardson said that?
Well....he called them effers, but we knew what he meant.
Sagegee Tiger - I've got Billy and Albert, the Victoria album and a couple of old ones on tape/mp3 but I think I saw that gag on telly, don't know what it's off, sorry.
your right it may have just been part of his old stage show, but still effin good.
which reminds me of the effin bees
which reminds me of the effin bees
Stewart Francis gag:
I remember as a teenager being embarrassed - my parents caught me masturbating. I was so shocked, I dropped their wedding photo.
I remember as a teenager being embarrassed - my parents caught me masturbating. I was so shocked, I dropped their wedding photo.
stewart francis is quality, watched his dvd the other week...
whats black and screams? stevie wonder answering the iron... ( not racist before the pc brigade start up
)
whats black and screams? stevie wonder answering the iron... ( not racist before the pc brigade start up
)