My wife asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with. Apparently I wasn't supposed to pick two of them.
https://x.com/trapdoor456/status/1750638962341802169?s=20 Sophisticated art of home-made liquor tasting
Made me laugh.... Ex Army? Missing army life? Can't adjust to Civi Street? Try these top tips. * Have the paperboy, or postman, give you a haircut every 2 weeks, whether you need one or not. *Wait until it rains, then when the wife’s done all the washing and ironing, throw it out the bedroom window onto the street in front of your neighbours, and yell at her, “Not fuc..ng good enough show again!” * On pay day weekend, try your hardest to blow the lot, making sure you haven’t paid any bills, then every weekend, persuade a different mate to lend you £100. Pay them back next pay day though, making sure your entire wage has gone again, then repeat. * Sleep fully clothed, with muddy boots on. For added effect, sleep with a broom in the bed if you don’t have an air rifle. * When the wife’s asleep shine a torch in her eyes and wake her up. Then say, “Sorry mate, wrong basha!" before turning the torch off. * When it’s really cold, fill a tiny bowl with freezing water, strip to the waist and go into the garden, and have a shave in the dark. Don’t use a mirror though. * At 05:00 every am, wake the wife and kids up, by sneaking into their room. Put the lights on, and bang 2 dustbin lids together whilst shouting, “Hands off cocks, hands on socks!” at the top of your voice. * Limit meal times to 3 minutes. Just as everyone is enjoying their food, shout, “Time’s up, fall in outside.” Finish your meal before joining them outside, and run them up and down the street, until they puke. * Practice how to get a single cigarette out of the packet, without taking the pack out of your pocket. * Ask the wife if she minds you going out on Friday. If she says yes, go out anyway with your younger, single work mates. Ask the bar man to fill a pint glass with a mixture of every spirit he has. Down it in one, then stagger outside and pick a fight with a guy who’s minding his own business. If you don’t get arrested, walk 5 miles home, (or steal a bike) strip off, climb into bed with the wife, then piss up her back before passing out. If she says anything, tell her you were on shark watch for the lads so it must have been her. * Stick a porn magazine behind the cistern in the bathroom in case any visitors would like to read whilst visiting. Happy days, veterans
Currently on holiday visiting friends in Orlando, and third night here we went for dinner. Sat down, and thought I noticed a familiar logo on a shirt worn by a lad on the table next to us. Took another look, and there it was.. walked up to the table, gave a little "You R'sss"...and the lady on the table burst out laughing, and the lad, his Dad and I had a good catch up on all things QPR.
