Wor lass is not speaking to me again.... Last night while she was asleep I gently remove her tampon and replaced it with a party popper. Honestly she has no sense of humour what so ever!!
I went to the doctors the other day suffering from premature ejaculation. He said it must be very stressful for your lass. I said, to be honest it's getting right on her tits!
I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what ****ing hit it.
Specially for Cyclonic. A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead. The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again. ====================
IRISH SAUSAGES Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
Billy Cokebottle again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aflMV1L3xIM&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL6BB6A1C850CC5340
Beware of the Karaoke Crooners When you have 5 minutes to spare, in the evening maybe, here's a great little true story from longtime Thailand resident and journalist, Andrew Biggs, in the weekly Sanook column of the Bangkok Post. Having lived and worked in Thailand for 10-years in the '80s and '90s ((before my retirement), I can certainly vouch for the authenticity of this little story. To reside in any sort of home in Thailand with a reasonable amount of peace and quiet is a gift from the good Lord (anybody's Lord)............. http://www.bangkokpost.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=64&t=5819 SwanHills (Plus many more stories/articles from Andrew Biggs on same clip....). (Note for Cyclonic: Andrew Biggs is a Queenslander; you guys can really write up there!)
He's something else Swanny, he certainly knows his way around a keyboard. I know where the keyboard is, but I find it hard to wring anything out of it.
Jongleur, nice story!! I'm not keen on karaokes either. Here's a short true story.. In 2000 , six of us went golfing in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Several times we went into a "red neck bar" where they had pool and karaoke. One night, the female lead singer of a band approached me and asked if I'd put in a good word for her group- since they were trying to get a permanent spot ( and she could see I was getting along famously with the owner-bar lady). Naturally I said yes. About 8 pints later, the lead singer started a karaoke and I dashed forward to sing "Don't let the sun go down on me." Now I really am the worst singer in the world. After about ten words to a packed audience, my wife ran over and dragged me off the floor. Initially I refused to go and the lead singer was raging-obviously because I had ruined her show. The place was in uproar and the singer refused to speak to me again. I didn't realise you were expected to be good to sing karaoke-but I would never try again. I don't remember much about that night, except the Mickelob beer went down like water. Happy days..
