From Wooperts_duck' .................... "My wife is in a right bad mood! Someone has stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line. She's not worried about her knickers, she just wants the fifteen pegs back...." .................... 15 pegs for one pair of knickers? Blimey, the mind boggles.
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far away and would walk home. On the way home he stopped at the shops and bought a bucket and gallon of paint. He then called at a friends farm and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home? While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that address. I'd walk you there if I didn't have this lot to carry." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked at him cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Hang on a minute lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Well put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Here’s a good one from Gary Delaney: My wife got herself a rampant rabbit. I wouldn’t say it’s her favourite sex toy but it’s definitely up there
Welsh farmer taking his driving test and the Examiner says “Can you make a u-turn?” The farmer says “Make it turn? I’ll make its ****ing eyes water”
An Irish woman has a casual affair with her local butcher and then tells him she’s pregnant. “Well, I’ve no spare cash but I can give you a weekly supply of meat, he promises. Send your lad down to the shop on Fridays.” “Aye, but don’t forget it’s for sixteen years,” she snorts. Many, many years later, the lad goes to pick up the meat and the butcher says to him “ How old are you now?” “I was sixteen last week,” the lad replies. “ Oh, I see, says the butcher. Well, when you get home, tell your ma that there’s no more meat from now on- and just watch the look on her bloody face!” When her son tells her, the woman sneers and says to her son… “Next time you go into town, call in the butcher’s shop and tell that smirky butcher that he’s not your father. And just watch the look on his bloody face!”
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??" Englishman "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??" Englishman: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ." After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
I love that type of joke, Oddy. It reminds me of one from the distant past…. An American, on his first visit to London, tells a taxi driver to show him London’ s sights. He shows him the newly opened Post Office Tower and says.. “ That’s the highest building in Britain.” The Yank replies boastfully .. “Why, in the States, we have towers that reach right up to the sky!” “Really, the taxi driver replies?” “Well, that far off,” retorts the Yank, almost closing his finger and thumb together. The driver then takes him to see the British Museum, telling him it’s the biggest museum in Britain. “Oh, my, in the States, we have museums reaching right up to the sky!” “Really?” the taxi drives responds, wearily. “Well, that far off, “ says the Yank, showing his finger and thumb again. Totally fed up, the taxi driver then drives him to Queen Charlotte’s and Chelsea Maternity Hospital. “ Listen, Yank, that’s the biggest Maternity Unit in the country and , last year, a woman gave birth in there OUT OF HER BACKSIDE, “ proudly shouted the driver. “Really, “ grumbled the Yank. The driver put his finger and thumb to the Yank’s face… “Well, THAT FAR OFF!!”
"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" - North Korean Edition: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - North Korean Edition (youtube.com)
...........The victorious gunslinger holstered his Colt, mounted his trusty steed, and rode west into the sunset. Yet something niggled him- and had done for quite a while. Yes, he knew how good he was, but he was missing that something, that something extra which would make him the best there ever was. Two tiring weeks later, he rode into Dodge City and tethered his horse in front of the saloon. Pushing open the swing doors, his heart bounded as he saw, seated in the corner, the man he was looking for. John Wesley Hardin had been the fastest gun alive in his time, but now he was just a frail old man. “Old Timer, “ the gunslinger said to him. “ I want your advice. I’m fast but I know I can be faster- and the best. I want you to watch me draw.” Then, like lightning, the gun appeared from nowhere, and the slinger shot off the right-hand cufflink of the piano player. “Not bad,” retorted the ageing Hardin, “ but tie your holster a little lower and draw again.” This time the draw was even faster- and the bullet decimated the piano player’s left-hand cufflink. “Anything else?”he asked the old man. “Why don’t you cut a little notch out of the top of your holster- so that it totally frees up the hammer as you take out the gun.” The slinger cut out a notch slightly bigger than the hammer, holstered the gun, and in a blur he drew and shot the cigar out of the piano players mouth. Boy, he felt good. Now he knew for sure he really was the best! “ Anything else, old timer?” he enquired. “Just one last thing,” Hardin grunted.... “ See that axle grease on the floor near the bar. Take a handful and rub it all over your gun. Go on, just do it!” Puzzled, the slinger rubbed the grease all over the barrel, but the old man prompted him to rub it over the whole gun. “ What on earth is this for- and what use can this be?” bellowed the slinger, as he stared at Hardin with narrowed, steely eyes. “Cos,” Hardin said laughingly..... “When Wyatt Earp has finished playing that piano, he’s gonna stick that Colt 45 right up your scrawny arse!”
