This headline got me wondering how bad Scottish Football is when Steve Clark, the coach of Scotland, has to start selecting women in to the National set up... Scotland: Steve Clarke intends to select Dykes in Nations League squad My mistake, it's some 22 year old born on the Gold Coast of Oz to parents from Dumfries... Could have been a real good story that...
That guy is Lyndon Dykes, now on a 4-year deal with QPR. Scored with a penalty today, in his first game, in the 2-0 win against Nottingham Forest. If he can score goals the R's really need him, that is for damn sure!
The Chinese decided to run a green housing experiment in Chengdu and created the Qiyi City Forest Garden. The apartments were all sold but only ten had moved in so the plants took over. Now would-be residents have a mosquito problem too as they love the plants: please log in to view this image
Oops. No management company to keep the place tidy. These residents claim they live in the bush; as most will
The police are the people in the pub – that is why the army is needed please log in to view this image
The wife is in A&E after being stung in the forehead by a wasp. Her face is all swollen and bruised but thankfully I killed the wasp with my shovel.
Three dead guys went up to the pearly gates and were vetted by St Peter who said: "You need a good story of how you died to get in here." The first guy said.... "Well, I live on the ninth floor of a block of flats. I came home early one day and found my wife naked on the bed and a bloke hanging by his finger tips on the edge of my patio. In anger I threw a plant pot at his fingers and he fell off. When I looked down, an awning had broken his fall, so I dashed back into my bedroom, picked up my old cedarwood chest and threw it down onto him. Stressed out, I then had a heart attack and died." "Good tale,"said St Peter and let him in. The second guy said.... " I was working on the top floor of this block of flats when I slipped and fell off. Luckily, I landed on an awning but then, some guy threw down a cedarwood chest from above and killed me." "Good story," said St Peter, and let him in. St Peter then looked at the third guy and said " You'll need a great story to beat those two. How did you die?" The third guy said... Well, I was hiding, bollock naked, inside an old cedarwood chest!"
Sod's Laws.... 1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. 3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers. 5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. 6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. 7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! 9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10.Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug 14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. 15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 16.The 50-50-90 Law Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong. 17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it! 18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew - and your bum will fall off. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet.
Thought I was seeing things when I came across this on an Amazon website page. The page covers some stuff for tummy problems called "Kijimea". This particular item I think (but not sure) is in Italian on the product, but the caption underneath is something else: Well, I am sure that there must be a few surgeons who specialise in abdominal surgery who might find some intestines quite irresistible, but I would imagine most people would not.
Anyone know what "Kijimea" means and in what language. No googling please! ..............scroll down a bit for answer: It's Swahili, and means "bacterium"! Good grief!
A true story followed by a joke... The true bit... A good friend of mine (ex Army), before he retired, worked for the local small Atherstone Council as Transport and Horticultural Manager. 5 weeks holiday, 16 days bank holiday, double time for any extra hours worked; and countless days off to play golf with suppliers. An absolute bobby’s job. When I saw the following joke on line, I printed it off and put it on the notice board at our golf club. When I finished my round of golf, my friend had already ripped it off and thrown it away. The joke... An ex-Army man went for a job at his local council. The director asked him his background. When he told him he had been in the forces, he was asked why he had left. “ I stepped onto a land mine which blew my testicles off.” “Oh, how unfortunate, but I think we can give you the job, replied the director. We start at eight and finish at five.” Delighted, the ex-Army man thanked him and, on his way out, the director said... “I’ll see you on Monday at 10 o’clock then.” The applicant looked baffled and said.. “ I thought you said 8 o’clock start.” The boss replied... “Yeah, but we sit scratching our balls for a couple of hours- and you can’t do that, can you?”