Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Discussion in 'Horse Racing' started by Ron, Oct 31, 2011.

  1. Paulpowersleftfoot

    Paulpowersleftfoot Well-Known Member

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    upload_2020-8-24_20-42-9.png
     

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    #1381
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  2. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    <laugh>
     
    #1382
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  3. redcgull

    redcgull Well-Known Member

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    This headline got me wondering how bad Scottish Football is when Steve Clark, the coach of Scotland, has to start selecting women in to the National set up... <laugh><laugh><laugh>

    Scotland: Steve Clarke intends to select Dykes in Nations League squad

    My mistake, it's some 22 year old born on the Gold Coast of Oz to parents from Dumfries...

    Could have been a real good story that...<laugh><laugh><laugh>
     
    #1383
  4. Ste D

    Ste D Well-Known Member

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  5. Cyclonic

    Cyclonic Well Hung Member

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    <laugh>

     
    #1385
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  6. Cyclonic

    Cyclonic Well Hung Member

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    Ahhh for f**k's sake. <laugh>

     
    #1386
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2020
  7. SwanHills

    SwanHills Well-Known Member

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    That guy is Lyndon Dykes, now on a 4-year deal with QPR. Scored with a penalty today, in his first game, in the 2-0 win against Nottingham Forest. If he can score goals the R's really need him, that is for damn sure! <ok>
     
    #1387
    Number 1 Jasper and redcgull like this.
  8. QuarterMoonII

    QuarterMoonII Economist

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    The Chinese decided to run a green housing experiment in Chengdu and created the Qiyi City Forest Garden.
    The apartments were all sold but only ten had moved in so the plants took over.
    Now would-be residents have a mosquito problem too as they love the plants:
    please log in to view this image

     
    #1388
  9. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    Oops. No management company to keep the place tidy. These residents claim they live in the bush; as most will
     
    #1389
  10. QuarterMoonII

    QuarterMoonII Economist

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    The police are the people in the pub – that is why the army is needed
    please log in to view this image

     
    #1390

  11. Reebok

    Reebok Well-Known Member

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    #1391
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  12. Ste D

    Ste D Well-Known Member

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    The wife is in A&E after being stung in the forehead by a wasp. Her face is all swollen and bruised but thankfully I killed the wasp with my shovel.
     
    #1392
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  13. Cyclonic

    Cyclonic Well Hung Member

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    <laugh>
     
    #1393
  14. QuarterMoonII

    QuarterMoonII Economist

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    Meet the new Kardashians – but only on Netflix
    please log in to view this image

     
    #1394
  15. Tamerlo

    Tamerlo Well-Known Member

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    Three dead guys went up to the pearly gates and were vetted by St Peter who said:
    "You need a good story of how you died to get in here."
    The first guy said....
    "Well, I live on the ninth floor of a block of flats. I came home early one day and found my wife naked on the bed and a bloke hanging by his finger tips on the edge of my patio. In anger I threw a plant pot at his fingers and he fell off. When I looked down, an awning had broken his fall, so I dashed back into my bedroom, picked up my old cedarwood chest and threw it down onto him. Stressed out, I then had a heart attack and died." "Good tale,"said St Peter and let him in.
    The second guy said....
    " I was working on the top floor of this block of flats when I slipped and fell off. Luckily, I landed on an awning but then, some guy threw down a cedarwood chest from above and killed me." "Good story," said St Peter, and let him in.
    St Peter then looked at the third guy and said " You'll need a great story to beat those two. How did you die?"
    The third guy said...
    Well, I was hiding, bollock naked, inside an old cedarwood chest!"
     
    #1395
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  16. Tamerlo

    Tamerlo Well-Known Member

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    Sod's Laws....

    1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,
    your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
    pee.
    2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
    will roll to the least accessible place in the
    universe.
    3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly
    proportional to the stupidity of your act.
    4.Law of Random Numbers -
    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
    busy signal; someone always answers.
    5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
    you were in will always move faster than the
    one you are in now.
    6.Law of the Bath -
    When the body is fully immersed in water,
    the telephone will ring.
    7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know
    INCREASES dramatically when you are with
    someone you don't want to be seen with.
    8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that
    a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
    9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
    proportional to the reach.
    10.Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium -
    At any event, the people whose seats are
    farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
    They are the ones who will leave their seats
    several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
    and who leave early before the end of the
    performance or the game is over. The folks
    in the aisle seats come early, never move
    once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
    and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
    The aisle people also are very surly folk.
    11.The Coffee Law -
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
    your boss will ask you to do something which
    will last until the coffee is cold.
    12.Murphy's Law of Lockers -
    If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
    they will have adjacent lockers.
    13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich
    landing face down on a floor are directly
    correlated to the newness and cost of the
    carpet or rug
    14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know
    what you are talking about.
    15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
    16.The 50-50-90 Law Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
    there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
    17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really
    like, they will stop making it OR the store will
    stop selling it!
    18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
    to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
    better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
    stay sick.

    If you don't forward this to your friends,
    your belly button will unscrew - and your bum will fall off.


    Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet.
     
    #1396
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  17. QuarterMoonII

    QuarterMoonII Economist

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    Aston Villa 7 Liverpool 2

    Who do you call to reports groups of more than six in one place?
     
    #1397
    Ron likes this.
  18. SwanHills

    SwanHills Well-Known Member

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    Thought I was seeing things when I came across this on an Amazon website page. The page covers some stuff for tummy problems called "Kijimea". This particular item I think (but not sure) is in Italian on the product, but the caption underneath is something else:

    Screenshot 2020-10-06 163405KijimeaOnAmazon.png

    Well, I am sure that there must be a few surgeons who specialise in abdominal surgery who might find some intestines quite irresistible, but I would imagine most people would not. <laugh>
     
    #1398
    Ron likes this.
  19. SwanHills

    SwanHills Well-Known Member

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    Anyone know what "Kijimea" means and in what language. No googling please! :emoticon-0100-smile

    ..............scroll down a bit for answer:

























    It's Swahili, and means "bacterium"! Good grief! <yikes>
     
    #1399
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2020
    redcgull likes this.
  20. Tamerlo

    Tamerlo Well-Known Member

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    A true story followed by a joke...

    The true bit...
    A good friend of mine (ex Army), before he retired, worked for the local small Atherstone Council as Transport and Horticultural Manager.
    5 weeks holiday, 16 days bank holiday, double time for any extra hours worked; and countless days off to play golf with suppliers.
    An absolute bobby’s job.
    When I saw the following joke on line, I printed it off and put it on the notice board at our golf club. When I finished my round of golf, my friend had already ripped it off and thrown it away.

    The joke...
    An ex-Army man went for a job at his local council.
    The director asked him his background. When he told him he had been in the forces, he was asked why he had left.
    “ I stepped onto a land mine which blew my testicles off.”
    “Oh, how unfortunate, but I think we can give you the job, replied the director. We start at eight and finish at five.”
    Delighted, the ex-Army man thanked him and, on his way out, the director said...
    “I’ll see you on Monday at 10 o’clock then.”
    The applicant looked baffled and said..
    “ I thought you said 8 o’clock start.”
    The boss replied...
    “Yeah, but we sit scratching our balls for a couple of hours- and you can’t do that, can you?”
     
    #1400
    redcgull, Reebok, Joe_z and 1 other person like this.

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