One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them. The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed. They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed. They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
Mexican and Black jokes are pretty much all the same..once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal. I went to that new MC Hammer museum yesterday. It wasn't that great, i couldn't touch anything. Conjunctivitis.com now that's a site for sore eyes!(Tim Vine joke of the year)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgwvVrCy8ns&feature=player_detailpage Thought this was quite funny. A guy got people from all over to come and pretend normal sunday cyclists had won a stage of tour de france by cheering them home.
An old sketch by The Two Ronnies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=T-CbH_6RHps&NR=1 also, little anecdote on the great conductor Sir Thomas Beecham, a pretty fearsome man who nevertheless always gave a fair share of support to the lesser-known composers, e.g. Delius, but there were some that were too much even for him. Story goes that once at a cocktail party after a concert a guest, who obviously wanted to appear knowledgeable and important, went up to Beecham and said, "Sir Thomas, have you ever done any Stockhausen (at that time a young avant-garde German composer)? "No", replied the great man, fixing his questioner with a baleful glare, "can't say I have, but I once trod in some".
Nicked from the mods' forum On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very….. slowly?" The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
X Factor here we come [video=youtube;7elDNQ8phv0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=7elDNQ8phv0[/video]
Sad Ken: "It's a 100-1 shot but bound to win, and only us bookies know about it" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdFynrmCMdM
After all those great jokes above, here's a few quotes from E. L. Doctorow (writer of 'Ragtime', and many other novels): Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader - not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon. History is the present. That's why every generation writes it anew. But what most people think of as history is its end product, myth. I can walk into a bookstore and hand over my credit card and they don't know who the hell I am. Maybe that says something about bookstore clerks. I thought I would lose, so I didn't prepare a speech. I try to avoid experience if I can. Most experience is bad. In the twentieth century one of the most personal relationships to have developed is that of the person and the state. It's become a fact of life that governments have become very intimate with people, most always to their detriment. It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. Like art and politics, gangsterism is a very important avenue of assimilation into society. Planning to write is not writing. Outlining, researching, talking to people about what you're doing, none of that is writing. Writing is writing. The writer isn't made in a vacuum. Writers are witnesses. The reason we need writers is because we need witnesses to this terrifying century. There is no longer any such thing as fiction or nonfiction; there's only narrative. We're always attracted to the edges of what we are, out by the edges where it's a little raw and nervy. Writers are not just people who sit down and write. They hazard themselves. Every time you compose a book your composition of yourself is at stake. Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go. Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
Man walks into a shop and asks the shop assistant for a kitkat chunky-Shop assitant bring back a kitkat and he responds angrily 'i asked for a normal kit kat you fat fat bitch'
Last Xmas I bought my son an IPad and my daughter an IPod. My wife bought me an IPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This activated the iNag software update which totally wiped out the iShag function.
A man walks into a chemist. 'Can I have a bar of soap please.' 'Which colour, we have red, green or pink.' 'Doesn't really matter, I've got my bike outside.'
What's the difference between Henry the Eighth and Lester Piggot? They're both dead, except Lester Piggot.
My redneck cousin slammed the car door shut with the keys in the ignition. It took him two days to get his family out of the car.
Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire flew down and landed on the car. One nun turned to the other and urged "show him your cross". The nun promptly leaned out the window and yelled "Oi! **** off!"
