Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

RIP Terry Jones (1942-2020)

I hope that he has left instructions that his headstone should read “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy”.
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This one is old but gold and still makes me smile.Taxi driver accidentally gets interviewed live on BBC News about digital music and just bluffs it.His facial expression at 0.06 -0.08 when he realises whats going on is priceless!

 

A Liverpool fan dies and goes to heaven in his Liverpool shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Jesus.

“Hello son.” says Jesus, “I’m sorry, no Liverpool fans in heaven.”

“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.

“You heard, no Liverpool fans.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man, replies the Norwegiancunt

“Oh really”, says Jesus. “What have you done then?”

“Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”

“Oh” says Jesus. “anything else?”

“Well two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”

“Hmmm. Anything else?”

“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said Jesus, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”

Ten minutes pass before Jesus returns. He looks the guy in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here’s your thirty quid back, now **** off!”

 

Two men sitting in a pub chatting about the possibility of an afterlife. They decide that when one of them kicks off, the other will try making contact through a seance. Mick dies and Dave goes to work on the plan. Sure enough Mick is heard from the other side.

Dave: "Mate I can't believe it ... is it really you?"

Mick: "Yep, and you won't believe how fantastic it is. I wake up in the morning, get a quick feed into me then it's a couple of hours rooting. Then I take a nap, eat some more and straight back into the humping. And this goes on all day, every day. It's ****ing brilliant."

Dave. "Jesus Mick, it sounds like every man's dream."

Mick: "Nah, you've got it all wrong mate, I'm a hairy arsed rabbit living in the Cotswolds."

 

Fake news? Fake tan? Justin Trudeau approves

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Boris and his current squeeze announce a baby is on the way which will bring the PM's number of children to......err **** knows. Clear that withdrawal agreement didn't work (from the twittersphere).

 

Whereabouts in the Kamasutra is the bestiality section?
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That is really annoying advert

 

Man walks into a pub and says "give me a pint of anything but not Stella"

The barman replied "What's wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says"I had 12 pints yesterday and when I came round I was ****ing skint "

The barman smiled and said "12 pints of any beer products would cost about the same "

Bloke replied 'Skint is my dogs name “

 

Blimey the Crufts champion this year will always be remembered as the dog that needed to poop in the main ring at final judging

 

Good of the owner/handler to pick it up but I thought that was what stewards were for. When I was judging, or stewarding, a steward would have been there with their long handled poop picker and let the handler continue to celebrate. I preferred the poodle actually (not because it contained the word poo I might add). Great movement and class, showed and handled to perfection

 

A steak pie walks in to a bar.
The barmaid says
Sorry mate, we don’t serve food.

 

It's late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians sure are collecting a hell of a lot of firewood'

 

Diane Abbott visited a Hackney primary school and went into a classroom. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Abbott if she would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy”. So she asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and suggests: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Abbott, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand and offers: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the MP. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered an idea. Abbott searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, a boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims Abbott, “That’s absolutely right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” said the boy, “because it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”