I was in the pub the other night and a skeleton came in. Walked up to the bar and said "Barman, get me a beer and a mop"
A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse. “I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
^^^^^^^^ Cheers Ron; great start to a dreich Saturday morning. Rugby, Bundesliga and Spiral coming up!
If you’re ever feeling low then be glad you’re not the person who wrote to Jim’ll Fix It to ask to meet Rolf Harris.
I was stood naked in the bedroom window this morning and the wife said "Come away from the window, people will think I married you for your money"
There's an Aussie Rules coach named Danny Frawley who sadly passed away a few months back.. The clip below is supposed to portray a rant he had when a team he was coaching lost after having a 70 point lead. Some people think that laughter in the back ground points to it being fake, while others swear to it's veracity. Either way, it's a laugh.
It's UK series called "Ideal" than ran from 2005 until 2011 Oddy. It's a real laugh. Moz is a lazy drug dealer who's always in the ****. The show is about the people who knock on his door each episode. They're as strange as ****. I'd recommend the series to anyone. e.g.
Teacher asks class for a sentence with the word contagious in it. First pupil "my mum said when my brother had the measels that it was contagious" Second pupil says "my mum said my dad has not to cut the lorne of sausage as it takes the contagious"
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line... The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No you c*nt, you forgot the f*cking rose!"
Little boy asks his dad for a bike for his birthday im sorry says his dad the mortgage is 80 grand and your mum has lost her job. The next morning the boy walks out with his suitcase packed, where are you going asks the dad. Boy replies last night i walked past your room and i heard you saying to mam im pulling out she said wait i coming too, so i am not staying here myself with an 80 grand mortgage and no ****ing bike.