A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemist. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence," says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence,"says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
17. A Glaswegian takes his date home to meet the parents; he says this is Amanda! His father jumps up and says "its a f**king what?" 18. Was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, use the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
The new Police entry exam... A man wants to get into the police force and has to pass the entrance exam... The sergeant looks at his qualifications and says 'Everything looks good and in order but you have to pass an attitude test before you can be accepted...' Then sliding a gun over the desk to the man, the sergeant says 'Go out and kill 6 muslims, 6 drug dealers, 6 illegal immigrants and a rabbit...!!!' The man replies... 'Why the rabbit...?' Sergeant replies... 'Right attitude, when can you start...???'
After the death of the family cat, a mother of 2 teenage daughters went to the local pet shop to buy a new family pet. As she was on a tight budget, she declined the owners offers of cats and dogs and asked what was under the dust sheet in the corner, with the 10 quid price-tag on it. "Couldn't sell you that madam. It's a parrot who grew up in a brothel, and his language is filthy". As the girls were getting older now she thought it could be quite amusing so decided to buy the parrot. She took him home and placed him in the living room before removing the dust sheet. The parrot looked around and said "Nice new brothel, nice new brothel. F**kin' lovely." The mother was initially shocked but couldn't help chuckling to herself. A while later the two daughters came into the living room. The parrot looked them up and down and squawked "New tarts, new tarts. Lovely ar5e. Cracking pair of t i t s". The girls burst out laughing and thought it a great pet. "Wait till dad sees it" they cried in unison. Later that afternoon the father came home from work. He removed his shoes and overcoat and sauntered into the living room. The parrot cries out "F*ck me George, I haven't seen you in ages".
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KNpn-XGM04&feature=related Love the Aussie anchor with the Dalai Llama
Already posted this elsewhere, but I just love this "Melodie Merkozy" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNlCftn5pHM&feature=related Flipping classic............
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
In a feverish auction, a man pays £50 for a 'penis enlarger' on E-Bay. When he gets it, it's a magnifying glass.....with instructions "not to use in the sun."
