Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

I think the above image looks like a dinosaur heading a football while a pair of pacman scissors looks on.

 

Bad news for dyslexics. On Saturday 28th October their cocks go black.

 

Chopper does the weather.

 

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The police came to my door holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes".
They said, "We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse, does the cooking and she's good with the kids”

 

I changed it slightly when I told it at home

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.


What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the arsehole.

 

From Django Unchained. Is there a better target than a bunch of bag wearing ****tards?

 

Thank you Quentin Tarantino for introducing me to the quirky and fabulous Austrian born actor, Christoph Waltz.

 

A guy sat next to me on the train today. He pulls out a photo of his wife and says to me "She's Beautiful isn't she?"
I said "If you think she's beautiful you should see my girlfriend mate."
He replies "Why is she a stunner?"
"No she's an optician

 

A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating.
Doctor asks him what he can remember.
He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening.

'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!'

Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

 

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

 

What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?














scrabbling at the coffin lid

 

I guess this is pretty tame stuff but here goes, never heard this one before, must say:

Two guys met quite by accident in a department store, both were having a break, from the awful stress of shopping with their wives, at one of the small coffee bars in the store. One said, "You know, I think I've lost the missus, haven't seen her for over an hour." The other fellow replied "That's funny, mine's been gone too, for well over an hour, guess we'd better do something about it?". So the first guy suggested they work together to look for them but before doing so they should both know what the other's wife looked like. The second fellow said "Well, mine is quite tall, slim, long blonde hair, shapely bum, lovely legs, superb boobs, a really beautiful woman, so what does yours look like?"

The first man replied, "That doesn't matter, let's start looking for yours right away!"

 

Acknowledgements to the incomparable "jimileysbaldhead" on the QPR section of the football forum:

"Went to a Stevie Wonder concert last night and he invited the audience to shout out requests.
A little Japanese chap next to me shouted " Stevie play jazz chord "
Stevie Wonder replied " I don't know jazz chord, it's not one of mine "
The Japanese fella shouted back " you do, you do...I'll sing some for you...." I jazz chord to say I ruv you " "

 

We have two kids, 5 and 6, we're not good with names in our house.

I've decided to sell my Hoover .... it was just catching dust.

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse .... but enough about Kayne West.

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing huge gloves.