A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm ****ing freezing!
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, a billion Chinese couldn't give a ****.
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ' Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, ' I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years
Not a joke as such, but I love irony - and it doesn't get much better than this (see link) Before you click - a bit of background. Like most others when 606 was closing I joined any and all the alternatives and I stayed with JA606 because the football sections are beter supportd than here. The horse race section however is fairly poorly attended, so I posted an article to Sparkymarky and others to come check out the scene here. The third post reply was a bit scathing, but the come back I'm still grinning about now http://www.ja606.co.uk/articles/viewArticle/61019 Sparky - if you read this - my post was never a criticism of JA606, just my own way of trying to get as many race fans in one place as possible! You do a grand job with your TV Trophy, it must be a lot of work for very little reward!
A little bit of Tevez out the door. A little bit of Vidic on the floor. A little bit of Nasri on the side. A little bit of Rooney shooting wide. A little bit of Mario having a laugh A little bit of Nani on his ass... Ladies and Gentlemen- Channel Number 5.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to "**** off - anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!"
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think to yourself: "I'm ****ing having that!"
Will have to stop seeing my psychiatrist because he's getting too expensive and is cooking the books. Was late for last appointment, but the son-of-a-bitch started without me...................
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect.
A couple were invited to a Swanky family masked fancy Dress Halloween party. The Wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition In her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went Into the spare room and played poker all evening.' 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad.... Apparently he had the time of his life.
A penguin is driving his car around town and it starts making this horrible sound. Being the responsible sort, he takes it down to the local garage before things get any worse. While the mechanic is checking under the hood, the penguin notices an ice cream stand across the street. He decides he'll get himself a cone while the mechanic is assessing the damage. Because eating ice cream is difficult when you have a beak, the penguin ends up getting ice cream all over his face. The penguin returns to the mechanic and asked him if he has found the problem. The mechanic looks out from under the hood and replies, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth with a flipper and says, "Nah... it's just ice cream."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A man noticed a farmer walking with three-legged pig on a leash. It looked very odd. He said, "Farmer, why are you walking a three-legged pig?" "Why, stranger, this is no ordinary pig," the farmer replied. "One night our barn caught on fire, and before my wife and I even woke up, the pig had called the fire department, and herded all the other animals out of the barn. The next week, a burglar got into the house, and the pig had him tied up and the police were on their way before I even realized what had happened. Then just last week, I fell into the duck pond and was like to drown, except this pig jumped in and pulled me out. Like I say, this is no ordinary pig." "Well, that truly is a remarkable pig. But tell me, how did he come to have only three legs?" "Are you kidding?" said the farmer. "A pig this good, you don't eat all at once."
1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change." 2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist tw@ts. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! 3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave". 4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." 7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" 8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." 10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat. 11. A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep. In his defence he said it was islam and he could do whatever he liked with it. 12. My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees. 13. Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f-ing hours ago. 14. This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian club. I was confused, I'd never met herbivore. 15. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting ***** and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. 16. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a Peeping Tom A pick pocket snatches watches 17. A Glaswegian takes his date home to meet the parents; he says this is Amanda! His father jumps up and says "its a f**king what?" 18. Was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, use the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
