You got me started now! Voluntary work? I wouldn't do it if you paid me! I rang the local Ramblers club today .... the guy there just went on and on .................... I was reading this book today - The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down ..... I went to the doctor and told him I was scared of lapels. He replied - I think you have got cholera
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.". Last one for now
I've worked with a few consultants in my time. I worked with Andersen Consulting for 6 months in Bristol on a merger project. They became Accenture in 2001.
An Irishman gets jumped by a mugger. After an hour of struggling, the mugger finally gets Paddy's wallet, only to find he has just 30p. Astounded by Paddy's fight, the mugger says, 'Why did you put up such a fight for just 30p?' Paddy says, 'I thought you were after the £500 in my sock.'
Shayne had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Shayne". Shayne replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Shayne spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "****e" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down,and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Shayne. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Shayne says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' p!ssed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again!"
Irish working men's club went on a mystery tour. They had a sweepstake to guess where they were going and the bus driver won 58 quid.
2 girls working on the checkout at Tesco, one says "I can always tell the single fellas". The other one says "how do you do that?" and she says "watch this". A bloke comes to the till with one sausage, one rasher of bacon, one egg, one tin of beans and one tomato. The lass says "you're a single fella aren't you?" He says "yeah, how did you know that?" She replies "You're a right ugly ****er"
Q. What does an old woman have between her tits, that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you back a week later. Q. Have you heard about the new, super sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the bloke leaves, and talks to the woman. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take the bin out once a week. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream when having sex? A. Phone her and tell her. Q. What's the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home. Q. What's the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, they are under a buck. Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts.
Rodney Rude and the pom heckler. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxN34uiTtIU Rodney Rude and arse transplants. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7QJ9NKUT7I&feature=related Rude again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mNsiAS352I
How would you be Ron? I had an eye test yesterday, and we talked about the jelly type substance in the back of the eye, that makes that phenomenon.
Last week, a woman checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
