One trainer had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But, as she got older, she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists but to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had just become a real nightmare. A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intends to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks âWe have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?â âNo thanks says the jockey Iâll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!â Terrible, terrible, terrible.
George said to Fred, 'I put £20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.', 'Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred. 'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.
My fave betting joke works better verbally but I'll give it a go. Bloke walks into a betting shop and asks for the manager. The manager appears and the bloke, who has a speech impediment, says "I jjust bbacked a f f f f f ...." Manager says "A favourite?" No says the bloke " I jjust bbacked a f f f f f f f ...." Managers asks "A filly?" Nnnooo says the bloke again getting more frustrated, " I jjust bbbacked a f f f f f f f f f f f ...." "Forget it" says the manager, "here's a tenner, have a good day", and goes back into his office. The bloke goes outside just as his mate was going in. He says to his mate "the mmmanager in here is a ssstrange chap" "He just gave me a tenner, and I only wwent in to tell him, that I had bbbacked a five ton truck into his car"
1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:45am, can you imagine that? Just as well I was still up playing my bagpipes. 2. I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said "You've got the biggest dick I've ever laid my hands on." I said "you're pulling my leg." 3. I saw a poor old lady fall over on the footpath today. At least I think she was poor, she only had a couple of bucks in her purse. 4. My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exctly my girlfriend yet. 5. When I went to the cemetary the other day to lay some flowers on a grave, I noticed four grave diggers wandering about with a coffin. They were still at it three hours later. I think they lost the plot. 6. Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. 7. I was at a friends place today to see their new baby. She asked me if I wanted to wind it. I thought it was a bit over the top, so I just gave it a dead leg. 8. I was at an ATM today when a poor old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Brilliant thread - here's my modest contribution. A man starts work in a sex shop. On his first day, his boss leaves him alone to test his sales initiative. In a little while, a brunette walks in: she asks, "How much for the white vibrator?" He answers, "£35." "How much for the black one?" "Ah, our Malcolm X Marauderâ¦thatâs a bit more at £40." "Hmmmâ¦never mind, I think I'll take the black one. I can fantasise Iâm in bed with Denzel Washington." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a redhead comes in and asks, "How much for the black vibrator?" "£35." "How much for the white one?" "Ah, our Gladiator G-Spot Giantâ¦thatâs a bit more at £40." "Hmmm...never mind, I think I'll take the white one. I can fantasise Iâm in bed with Russell Crowe..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde comes in and asks, "How much are your vibrators?" "£35 for the white, £35 for the black." "Hmmmmm, theyâre a bit ordinary...how much is that tartan one on the shelf?" "Well, that's our William Wallace Whoppa...it'll cost you £150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the tartan one, I can fantasise Iâm in bed with Mel Gibson in his Braveheart gear...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" "Brilliant. I sold one white vibrator for £40, one black vibrator for £40 and I sold your thermos flask for 150 quid!"
Evening & welcome Tewkes. What's this Simon Francis like. I see he's left you for Bournemouth. Please tell me he's slow & useless; we play Bournemouth on Saturday.
"Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy." Cyclonic, nice one!! In actual fact they're ALL happy- 'cos Snow White's favourite drink is Seven Up!
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He replies, "Beertits."
I went to the doctor's yesterday - I said "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's T's and H's" He said "Well, you can't say fairer than that then"
