Calamity Jane clips from Deadwood - superb [video=youtube;kKEZbgaqJWo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKEZbgaqJWo[/video]
Ah, the Scottish... They have a great sense of humour...!!!! "http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0"
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? A geezer wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on his face.
Nicked this from Oldposhpete. Try to read this out to someone "Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres ....... The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple of minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!!"
And I thought this joke was just a joke... Not in Hartlepool...!!!!!!! Taxi Drivers Told to Say No to Girls Who Offer Sex Instead of Fare Money By Samantha Payne March 5, 2014 15:42 PM Taxi Drivers Told to Say No to Girls Who Offer them Sex Taxi drivers have been told to "politely refuse" sexual favours in exchange for fares after a cabbie was caught having sex in the back of his car. Hartlepool Council has written to all taxi firms in the town to refrain from taking up such trade-offs in the future if women cannot afford their fares after a night out. The letter read: "I would ask you to ensure that any driver that works for you fully understands that any sexual contact with a passenger is unacceptable and is likely to result in the revocation of their licence. âNormally this type of request gets laughed off by the drivers, but obviously temptation got the better of one of the ladsâ - an anonymous cab driver "Any offers of sexual favours must be politely refused." The red-faced driver in question has since had his licence revoked after his indiscretion outside the woman's home last December. But it is understood it is not unusual for women to offer sex to drivers in the town when they run out of cash at the end of the evening. One cab driver said: "It's not uncommon for some of the lasses to offer the drivers things other than a fare when they make their way home from a night out. "We see some right states when the pubs are closing, and it's getting to the stage where we have to ask them if they have enough money to pay the fare before we set off to avoid any embarrassment later on. "I've heard a few tales like this one, but never known anyone who has had their licence taken off them for it. "Normally this type of request gets laughed off by the drivers, but obviously temptation got the better of one of the lads!" The bizarre warning to taxi drivers was issued after the matter came to light at a recent public protection council meeting. An investigation was carried out and the driver admitted his misdemeanour. His licence was removed in January. A spokesman for Hartlepool Council said: "We can confirm that a taxi driver has had his licence revoked after admitting having sex in his vehicle. "Hartlepool Council expects the highest possible standards from taxi drivers and they have a vital role in protecting the public whilst carrying out their work. We have written to all taxi drivers in the town to remind them that we will not tolerate such behaviour and any sexual contact with a passenger is likely to result in their licence being revoked." Looks like a good night out round Hartlepool if your sharing a taxi home...!!!
Looks like a good night out round Hartlepool if your sharing a taxi home...!!! you havent been to hartlepool Red, he lost his licence for lack off judgement and bad eyesight would be my guess
I met an old classmate from school the other night and he's turned into a right big-headed bastard. Telling me about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car, then he pulls out a photo of his wife and says "Look what a beautiful wife I've got". I said "If you think she's beautiful, you ought to see my wife". "Is she a stunner?" he asks. "No" I said, "she's a ****ing optician".
Isn't science a wonderful thing? While cruising about in my trusty Ford, I heard an astounding piece of journalism. It centered around ****. I kid you not. And not just any old story about our human waste, but one where medical science may have uncovered a yahoo use for the stuff. Fecal Infusions. Researchers from the Center for Genome Sciences and Systems Biology at the Washington University School of Medicine have found what looks like a serious lead in the fight against obesity. Turd Infusions. It seems that bacteria in the gut, when infused with the turd of a thin person, may lead to weight loss. It seems to be an emerging fad. There is even online information available for those wishing to partake of the practice. To save time for those on the forum who want to take a crack at some weight loss, please refer to the list of requirements below. 50 Milliliters of a thin person's smelly, brown stuff. 100 Milliliters of saline. 1 Home enema kit. 1 Kitchen blender.
Just read in the local paper that the thief who's been stealing tee shirts in order of size, is still at large...... (Wooperts_Duck)
A man is in a queue at the local supermarket and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can’t believe his luck. Then she starts waving. "Excuse me, do I know you?", he asks. "Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids", she says, proudly. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Bloody hell, are you the whore I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a hair brush up my arse?" "No!" she wails, completely embarrassed, "I’m your son’s English teacher!"
