No need to, Bob, got rid of it myself, as it was a trifle silly! However, the guy did annoy me with his spiteful and sarcastic comments, but more sensible to ignore him.
A selection from Oldposhpete Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost around £499, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. ---------------------- A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'Hell' and you say something with 'Arse'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Hell, Mum, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios!" ------------------------------ After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Wigan area of Lancashire, Billy Higginbottom, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Billy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless." ------------------------------------- When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck and the midwife had to pull me out. + + + + + + + + That's how excited I was to see my little brother. ----------------------------------------------- When I was a boy my mother would send me to the shops with £1 and I would come back with 5lb of potatoes 2 loaves of bread 4 pints of milk 1lb of cheese 1/2lb of tea 6 eggs You can't do that now.... Too many ****ing security cameras. ------------------------------------------------------------ I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. When I went downstairs I found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. What to do, what to do? Then I remembered - McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. --------------------------------------------------------- I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. ------------------------------------------ A new report says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to them. ---------------------------------------------- When a girl gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun. BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam Master Pro 5000 latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, with huge breasts and super-size pink nipples, elasticised anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasmic scream surround sound system; he's called a pervert! --------------------------------- Called round to see my mate today, walked in to find him sat on the sofa with his trousers and underpants round his ankles, knob in one hand, yellow duster in the other and a tin of 'Parade Gloss' black polish on the seat next to him. "For Pete's sake!" I said, "You don't listen do you, you cloth eared twat, the man on the radio said don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!" -------------------------------------------------- A stunningly beautiful woman went to see her gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied,"You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes of course I do," she said, "You're getting Herpes: Which is why I came here in the first place." ------------------------------------------
Great film this, a wee bit of swearing in it though [video=youtube;ZS8_APv-ZrU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS8_APv-ZrU[/video]
Brilliant dialogue starting 12 seconds in: "Where the **** do you think you're going?" "When?" "What do you mean when? Now" "What?" "Don't what me you pillock, where are you ****ing going?" "When?" "Now you ****ing moron" [video=youtube;_9kZ-rmWIOA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9kZ-rmWIOA[/video]
For those who grew up in Thatcher's Britain .................. great opening credits from a great film - "This Is England". Check out Roland Rat [video=youtube;JBpJ4ZuFP8E]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBpJ4ZuFP8E[/video] I know I shouldn't say this, but the scene where the Yorkshire miners are laying into the coppers makes me think "go on lads". I'll take that struggle with me to the grave, it was ****ing barbaric. Mind you, I say "coppers" but it is well know that Thatcher drafted soldiers in, dressed as policemen, to break the picket lines.
From Wooperts_duck "A man went to Arundel Street in Portsmouth having seen an ad for a gynaecologist's assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecological examination. The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Southampton". "My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is"........"
I posted one of these in March, and Ron almost had a seizure. They are from a Bolton Wanderers fansite, posted by a girl named Natasha, under the collective title of Behind Enemy Lines. She scours opposition fan websites, facebooks etc to get their reactions, particularly funny when Bolton are winning of course. This is the match against Derby in 2012, when Owen Coyle was our manager and Nigel Clough was theirs. I had to get creative to avoid the swear filter! Read on ....... "As usual I've had a quick peek at what the Derby fans thought of last nights game....here are a few quotes from various Derby forums. Predictions for the game first of all. Not sure if LittleLexy is a Bolton or Derby fan:" Bolton are shi t, Owen Coyle has a face you would never tire of jumping on, Kevin Davies is a stump and I had sex last night. So I’m going for 2-1 County. County_Consumables will be helping me win the Betting Shop competition from now on: Can only see a Bolton victory, probably 2-0 with Kevin Davies scoring at least one of them. This is a good idea by cloughscough: 1-0 Bolton. Clough out, board out, tits out. The game kicks off and Derby have a bit of pressure. Cooky is happy with their new signing: Were fuking all over the northern wamkerss. Salmon looks a steel and can see him bagging a hat-trick. Cloughie pulls another from the bag. Kenny-Logan thinks Kevin Davies is fit: Fuk off Davies you prettyboy wamker, elbowing Tyson in the face and looking like butter wouldn’t melt. I hate that fat twat. DerbyDoris thinks we are a big team: Why the fuk was Keogh's strike ruled out? Cheating big team favouring arsehole! The Derby fans aren't happy with the disallowed goal: Ref you cheating twat! CUN T CUN T CUN T! i no wear u live ref have bolton paid the ref show some fukin emotion clough you plantpot i'm going to kill someone tonight coz of that, probably my fat mother-in-law The_Ram_King is bigger than FIFA: That was a goal as far as I am concerned. I don’t care what the ref or FA say, I am counting it. I will put together the REAL league table after the game. Derby 1-0 up. Glad Horrid_Harvy isn't in the betting shop competition: Just watch Bolton score now we’ve had one disallowed. Bolton do score and the County fans are pissed off. I don't know what sperm sucking is but RammyMan is clearly not a fan: Fuk fuk fuk, I don’t fuking beleeve it fuk off Bolton you backward dickheads. I cant beleeve we let that fat bastard davies score he must be 58 at least fuk off clough you sperm sucker. More abuse for Nigel Clough. I've written some of it down to hurl at Coyle on Friday: sh1t, fuk off Clough Cun ts, every single one of them. Cun ts. Clough you fuking moron, fuk off back to Nottingham and leave this once great club alone. I hate you, I fuking hate you. i'm gonna rip your tits off clough this is all your fault clough you spineless twat, bolton are sh1t but they make us look like fuking women Nigels_Last_Wispa is definitely a visionary: I’m e-mailing the club as we speak……Dear Derby Country FC, please find enclosed a bottle of my spunk taken from various one-to-one sessions with my knob over the last week or so. Please use it to create various children in my image. In about 18 years you will see the fruits of my labour when you have a team of committed Derby Country players rather than the overpaid and never-performing wamkerss you currently employ. No need to thank me, a statue will suffice. Is losing to Bolton the worst thing in football? Danny2390 thinks so: How are we losing to Bolton, they are sh1t. Does it get any worse than this? Derby hit the post and Dennier isn't happy: We just hit the post, scabby Bolton bastards. It's personal between Micah_Rishton and the post: Fuk off post, I fuking hate your guts. You’ve had it in for me for years. This was written by Owen_County_Council, but is it Owen Coyle in disguise as he must shout this a lot: learn to shoot between the posts you cun ts! Horrid_Harvey is at it again: Just watch Bolton score now we’ve hit the post. Bolton do get a second goal and it's game over. BigBalls could be the next Poet Laureate: Twat, fuk, sh1t, cun t, bastard, wamker, arsehole, dipsh1t Football is a cruel game, sometimes there's only one way to end the misery and Nige9811 takes it: Why do we always do this? Why why why? I’m off to hang myself. Twice. HugeDeek gets it wrong: Fuk off Davies you fat cun t, you are a sh1tty Bolton bastard who embarassed himself playing for England and ate all the pies in Lancashire. I want to meet you in a dark alley and do vicious things to you, I want to eat your heart and cook your eyes for dinner. I want to break into your home and do a dump on your carpet, then roll about in it so you are forever reminded of me. Then I’ll do an even bigger dump in your toilet and block the whole of your street. Think of me when you’re swimming in our own sh1t. I hate you Davies you cun t. Oh, it wasn’t davies who scored. Fuk off Eagles you fat cun t.... The last minute goal has not gone down well in Derby: Clough out! Fuk off Clough Die clough Suck my flaccid coc k clough I just did a dump in my boxers Wot a nob But JW_DCFC has the answer: last minute goal again, fed up, im chopping my nob off and gonna post it through Cloughs letter box. Yanks out! The game is over and KellysHippo has had time to reflect and does something that rarely happens, mentions "massive" and "bolton" in the same sentence. Why are we blaming a manager who has no money to spend and is forced to sell his best players? We matched Bolton tonight and they had an Arsenal striker on the bench, a £4m striker not even in the squad, a player who played in Euro 2012 in midfield and the riches being in the Prem for years brings. Bolton are massive, we are tiny. Accept it. Bolton fans know what DerbyDerek is going through: I have put my season ticket through the shredder. The shredder broke. My season ticket is still intact. I am doomed to follow the rams forever. You can’t walk away alive. Jordy45 has a foot fetish: does anyone no were clough lives I want to go round and piss on his feet Malcolm98High wants to sign Owen Coyle: Oh for a manager like Owen Coyle who looks like he gives a toss. The guy never stopped moving for 90 minutes, I’ll bet he covered more ground on the bench than our entire midfield in 90 minutes. Has JennyHarold8 been spying on me as I said this many times last season: Just got back from sh1tty Bolton. sh1t game, sh1t ground, sh1t team, sh1t result. We are going down this season. The final word goes to Derby_Dick_Tation who has a way with words: Fuk off Clough. You have destroyed my life. You have taken my club, my wife, my children, my dog and even my six year old Fiat Punto. What is there left to take? My sanity? No, that went a long time ago, around the time you became manager. Your father was a hero, you are a cun t. Your father was the best manager in the country, you are a cun t. Your father had passion and kicked backsides when they needed kicking, you are a cun t. Your father produced winning teams, you are a cun t. Your father produced you, what a cun t!!!!
Classic Comic Strip from the 1980s - The Yob. 1min 25 secs in: "Five pound to win forty on the 2 dog, who wants it?" Brilliant [video=youtube;00_nHt7MBlI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00_nHt7MBlI[/video]
Tourist walks off Australia pier while checking Facebook http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-25426263 Im surprised this hasn't happened more often... No mobile phones were hurt in the making of this story.....!!!!!
One rainy night in the Liverpool, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. âWhere to?â he stammered. âWalker streetâ, answered the woman. âOK,â he said, taking another long glance in the mirror where the woman caught him staring at her & blurted, âJust what the hell are you looking at?â âWell luv, I cant help noticing youâre completely naked & I was just wondering how youâll pay your fare.â The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, âDoes THIS answer your question?â Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, âHave yer not got owt smaller?â
