What's the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes silence. What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer? A system that won't go down. Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time.
this is wrong on so many levels and they all look like a bunch of rapists http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h2c5v8IZNA
Good old Prince Philip gave me the best laugh of the day. During a visit to a hospital, he was overheard to say to a Philippina (sometimes spelt Philopena) nurse "The Philippines must be half-empty - you're all here running the NHS." Well, judging by the nationalities of most nurses in hospitals down here in Bavaria, there's a hell of a lot of other countries half-empty too! They do a damn good job, mind.............
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK FROM A MAN AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this hair removal cream as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and having worked in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing previous reviews of the product and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire 'wedgie' by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of my meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, took the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the old 'starfish' any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else, as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the 'chutney channel' and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines on full power behind me. This was probably, and hopefully the only time in my life, I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with, was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had ever gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen, the 'other half' chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my 'bell end' pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels so good”. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream, and as I hadn’t heard her come in, it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some remarkable speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11.00pm at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting, and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was, didn’t improve my status…soto sum it up, VEET REMOVES; Hair, Dignity and all self-respect !!!! Be Warned!!
First one I looked at had the title "DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS" "Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS."
Michael Le Vell has had to cancel his family holiday in Florida. He was going to Tampa with the kids. Dear Sir, on behalf of channel 4 may I thank you for the application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show along with the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing she could make a worthy contribution to our program if selected I would just point out the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel 4 After shagging Cheryl Cole last night there are 3 things you should know. Firstly she's got a tight little box, secondly she's a game lass and willingly took it over her face without complaint. Thirdly the staff at Madame Tussaud's are miserable ****ers with absolutely no sense of humour.
Couple of friends play a good prank on comoatose guy after night out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqq5fcPYrLs
Several Roman gypsies were wandering around a grave for hours carrying a coffin on their shoulders when finally a man decided to phone the police. After 10 minutes the Police Seargeant turned up on the scene and approached the group carrying the coffin, he said ''we've had reports of you wandering around here with that coffin for a while now, is everything alright?''..One of the biggest gypsy men came forward and replied..''No Sir, we've lost the plot''.
Being a Bolton Wanderers fan, I get to read these on a forum. They are compiled by a Bolton fan named Natasha, collected from various media sources during matches. It's her comments first, followed by the little snippets of insight from opposing fans - in this instance Hull City. Some comedy gold here For those of you new to the forum, on the rare occasion we win a game I have a read through the opposition's forums, Twitter and Facebook to see what they think of the game. Hull fans didn't disappoint. WindupmyAss misreads his message from God: Bolton are ****, we are on a roll. God told me 4-1 to City. HullNo9 gets it wrong: Bolton can’t score goals, 2:0 to Brucie’s Army DaisyDoMe rates us. But not Dougie. Bolton have quality all the way through their team. Dawson, Spearing, Eagles, Sordell, Ngog, Mark, Kevin & Craig Davies are all good players but they don’t seem to be able to find a manager to make them click. I think we’ll take advantage and win 3-1. SKD gets some love from KingstonKeith: I hope that fat **** Kevin Davies plays were bound to win Depressed in Hull is Bolton Hater's cousin: Went to Bolton once for a conference and ended up catching sifilis from some slut I met there. Ended up giving it to my wife, she repaid me by serving up divorce papers. I blame Bolton for everything that’s **** in my life. ****ers. 3-0 to us. But disaster strikes the Hull ranks and Darren Pratley puts Bolton in front. Oh **** off!!!! ****ing ****ers 1-0 down after a minute. Typical City. Some fooking bag o bones just scored for them **** defence, cheating ref Incontinent_Wind_ass has a problem: I can’t believe it, I just shat myself. This exchange amused me on a Hull forum. FayeMonster is 5 minutes behind the rest of the world: FayeMonster: Easy 3 points, 3-0 City. Happy days. DaveTheDog: **** 1-0 down FayeMonster: We might even get 4 DaveTheDog: We’re 1-0 down you fanny FayeMonster: Bolton are ****, they won't score DaveTheDog: They’ve scored today you blind **** FayeMonster: What the **** you talking about DaveTheDog: Bolton have scored after 30 seconds FayeMonster: **** But Hull fans aren't giving up. Although DerekY2K doesn't seem to think Pratley's goal counts: We’re still gonna piss this. We’ll get an early goal and go onto win 2-0. LilyJane is still confident: No problem, better to let one in early so we have 89 minutes to turn it around. Still think we’ll win. HenrysKitten doesn't know Steve Bruce very well: Brucey knows what he’s doing, he's just teasing Bolton Some people are just born calm and collected, like HappyinHull: Not concerned in the slightest. Pass me a cigar But Mark Davies puts Bolton 2-0 up after only 5 minutes and the Hull natives are getting restless: Ah for ****s sake! ****ing ****s what the **** is happenin? Crazy football, why do we always **** up against the **** teams KorenFromKorea is an angry man: I didn’t just kick the cat, I ****ed it up. Teach that **** to look at me when we’re losing. Next the wife… DownMyHill is another Hull fan who holidays in Bolton every year: I ****in hate Bolton. They say Hull is a ****hole but Bolton is worse. A ****in dive that should be nuked. Losing to Bolton is like shagging a Bolton slag, embarrassing. **** off. NewKitHater thinks we are the new Brazil: This is incredible. Bolton have done nothing all season and now they look like world-beaters. Just our luck if today was the day they turned it on. Incontinent_Wind_ass still has a problem: I just shat myself again. I hope I have some more keks. Fat_george should have known the minute he typed this Hull were doomed: Don’t fret, theres still plenty of time to sort this one out. Get a goal before half-time and it’s game on. And, of course, Dawson scores a third for Bolton in only the 8th minute. Hull fans go mad: 3-0 after 8mins. We are ****ed. **** OFF YOU LAZY ****S Get back to Strictly Come Dancing Brucey you twat. Clueless fecker. This could be 10-0 Bowton are on fire. Are we made of butter? What is going on? **** away tactics again. I see dead people. New signing George Boyd gets the blame from Will.I.Am.Not: Is cross-eyed George in goal? Incontinent_Wind_ass does it again: I’ve now pissed myself. Mummy isn’t going to be pleased. Depressed in Hull is still regretting his only trip to Bolton: If only I'd never been to Bolton I'd still have a wife and a knob The Hull Wanderlust: I always felt Bolton were a good team, I can see them getting promoted under Freedman. Showing us how it’s done today. Barmy_Barmby has his revenge planned: I collect the rubbish bins from Elmohamady and Meylers houses. I’m not going to empty them this week, I’m going to do a fat dump in each one. Twats. More abuse for, well, everyone: ****s. I now support Doncaster **** Paddy McGuinness! Have we ever let in three goals after 8 minutes? **** bastards Bruce out! were getting beet by sheet **** off bolton freedman Assem_Alan has watched Bolton before: **** off back to United Bruce you stupid bastard. Everyone knows Bolton fans are ****ers and get on there teams back after 10 minutes without a goal. You have played right into there hands. Dangerous_Dave_Digby worries me: I really think I am a serial killer in the making. After one minute I felt very angry. After 5 minutes I was shaking with rage. After 8 minutes I was sticking my wife’s head in the pizza oven. She got quite mad, but she doesn’t understand. I need a release when we play like this. 3-0 down to ****ty Bolton. If it gets any worse I will kill someone. I will. It will be Bruceys fault. I will kill someone and blame him. I will. If we score I may let her out of the oven. Half-time arrives and Hull fans still think they can get something, especially Jack108: Glad to get to the break just three down. We seem to have had more possession without doing much. Awful defending but it’s just 45 minutes. We can still get a draw if we can sneak the next goal. Come on lads, do it for me! MikeTravis finds religion: Do it for Allah! Melkon thinks we're a bit ****: Bruce will get em going at half-time, expect a positive reaction. Confident we can still get something. Bolton are ****, really ****. Really, really ****. Always confident FayeMonster is back: 4-3 Hull. We can do this. Or maybe 5-0 Bolton. Hull do pull one back on 68 minutes. The Hull internet faithful go mental: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! **** THAT UP YER CHUFF BOLTON I told you we could do this! That shut the Bolton ****ers up. They know we’re gunning for em now. We’re second in the league you Bolton bastards, did you really think we would let you have these three points? **** you!!! Enjoy League 1 Bolton! My cock just got bigger. Bolton ****ers think theyre still in the premier league But just two minutes later Bolton score a fourth and Hull fans can't believe it: 4-1 we are **** **** **** **** **** **** me sideways **** Vernon Kay! Oh **** off you ****ers, I'd rather spend an evening in bed with Stephen Fry than watch this **** **** off Bolton your going nowhere but League 1. **** club, **** team, **** fans, **** off. Incontinent_Wind_ass has more problems than Steve Bruce: I just did a dump and a wee at the same time. Is that even possible? I feel Dangerous_Dave_Digby's wife might not see the end of this game: I have just turned the heat up on the pizza oven HonestBilly sums it up perfectly really, all managers should get the sack after one defeat: We are ****ing clueless. No doubt Bruce will moan about 5 games in 16 days but if you want to get promoted you have to win at places like Bolton, not get a trouncing. Bruce has never quite been good enough as a manager, we should **** him off now. The final whistle goes and the Hull fans suffering is over: Full-time. I’m off to kill myself. **** me, 4-1, never saw that coming. **** off Bolton you **** monsters We're still laughing at your **** team Bolton Well still be 2 divs apart next season Let little Bolton have their moment, **** em Bolton ****s I hope Dougie Freedman gets hit by the Hull team bus **** Johnny Ball! A few hours later the Hull fans have calmed down a bit. Yossi says some nice things about us: Just back from the game. We were torn apart, especially in the first half. If we’d gone in 6-0 down we couldn’t really have complained. Bolton were superb to be fair, they seemed to have flair players all over the pitch who could beat a man then pass it. They had some real pace upfront, the sort of pace we’ll need if we ever get in the Prem. Freedman is a top manager too, can see him at Everton or Villa inside 12 months. Even more plaudits from Moloko_Who: Bolton were too good for us, simple as that. They passed the ball around us at times, Mark Davies was outstanding. Sometimes you just have to hold your hands up and say you were outplayed and move on. No point crying over it, we’re still in a decent position. Well played Bolton. JustinBerber isn't quite so complimentary: Bolton woz ****ing **** and we gifted dem da game. Ref was based towards Bolton gave us nowt and 1st goal offside. The last word goes to the ramblings of Dangerous_Dave_Digby: What a **** result. What a **** team. So ****. Slightly overcooked the wife but she tasted real good. **** Steve Bruce, he killed my wife
Sory Reebok. I'll have to read this later. My glasses got steamed up from tears of laughter. Can't even read what I've written. Hope it makes sense.
These are real gems Ron, and Natasha does a great job with them. I have a belter from when Bolton were playing against Derby County. And if their fans couldn't get their hands on Nigel Clough, then they'll go dig up his dad and give HIM a kicking instead
Oh you bastard Reebok. I still can't read it. My eyes just keep watering. Impossible. please log in to view this image
