Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around after you've dumped a load in it!
Another Tommy Cooper classic (I may already have posted this): "They say 1 in every 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of us must be Chinese - Mother, Father, me, my brother Colin and my brother Hun Wong Chang. I think it's Colin"
The Mrs gave me £50 and told me to go out and get her something that would make her look sexy. She wasn't best pleased when I returned a few hours later totally pissed.
A kid in his back yard threw a ball into the air and took a swing at it. He missed. "Strike one." He yelled. He threw the ball into the air once more, again he took a swing and missed. "Strike two." He yelled. A third time the tossed the ball into the air and took a chop at it. Yet again he missed. "Strike three." He yelled. "**** me, I must be the best pitcher in the world."
Irish family watching telly and the wifey is sat with her legs open. Father says to her "Marie, Marie!! Shut yer legs, the "K" - "I" - "D" - "S" can see your ****
A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a machine gun. He points it at the woman and says "I want you to pull one of those bottles from the shelf and drink it and swallow it". She's not best pleased but does it anyway. The man takes his mask off and it's her husband - "there you go" he says - "it ain't that bloody difficult after all is it"?
Here's a video clip from BÃlly Connolly on having a fairly common medical procedure. A real funny guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBMsPNI6EZE&feature=related
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' Old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' Farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
The Mrs just bought herself some new underwear - Meatloaf knickers. On the front it says "I would do anything for love", on the back it says "but I won't do that!"
When asked at school to put the word 'contagious' into a sentence Little Johnny put his hand up straight away... 'My daddy used that word this morning miss... When he saw the janitor painting the school railings. He said it would take that contagious to paint them...!!!'
