Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

This should pull in the crowds

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With energy bills spiraling out of control, as a household we are trying to cut back on our energy use. It seems though that my mrs can’t grasp this.
Most of the energy usage at the moment is from her stuff.
Washing machine
Toaster
Cooker
Vacuum cleaner.
To list but a few. It’s a losing battle.

 

UK Suicide Bombers Go On Strike.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the balls".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Ishit Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership, as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

Negotiations are underway to include male virgins in the afterlife to accommodate the current changes in preferences by Arabs, Pathans & others.

 

I see the Artemis space mission, for a moon landing, has been called off at the last minute. It was the first time a woman astronaut was due to set foot on the moon and she wasn't too pleased.

The mission controller apologised for not getting his rocket up and said it had never happened to him before

 

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A woman starts dating a doctor and before too long she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time that she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital because of a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him that it was a miracle."
"Do you think that it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," says the doctor.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says "Father . . . . you're not going to believe this."
"What ?" says the priest. "What's happened ?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible !"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle . . . . here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his grown-up son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you . . . . I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father ?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother . . . . the archbishop is your father."

 

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What's the different between Black
Eyed Peas and Chick Peas ?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.

 

What's the difference between a vegan
and a computer programmer ?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and
the other is disgusted by a lack of
RAM.

 

Why does he look like he's just been voted 'player of the month' ?