Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Paddy was granted 2 wishes by his genie. Genie: what's your first wish? Paddy: An everlasting pint of guinness please. Genie: And your second? Paddy: Oh, I'll be having the same again.

 

Another owld one . . . .

I stole a boomerang earlier and hid it up my sleeve…

The security guard threw me out of the shop 37 times !

 

It's best to make things absolutely clear, I suppose

 

I was in a car park yesterday and Phillip Schofield came up to me and asked if I knew where the nearest toilet was. I said that I didn't know, but if he was that desperate he should 'wee by any car'

 

I don't think he wanted a wee.

 

Top tip from Viz

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

She’s definitely lying as no real woman would go on a dating site with her hair in such a mess

 

I don't mind genetically modified foods . . . . I've just had a lovely leg of salmon.