Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....
My mate confessed to me that he has a weird habit of colouring in the tops of peoples arms... I think he was just looking for a shoulder to crayon!
Little Johnny was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid." Father Walsh said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous." Little Johnny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water." Father Walsh said " No, because holy water is good. The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy." "That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric acid on my dogs bollocks and he passed a Ferrari."
I walked into a Chemist and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only Pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the shop, there were NO Male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.?? She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..??? The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.” When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do :- • Free room and board, • 1/3 ownership in the business, • a Company Car, • a King Size Bed, and • £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.
A man goes to the doctors and says doctor everytime I masturbate I sing 'Glory Glory Man United'. The doctor says that's normal, all ****ers sing that.
What the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.
My wife and I are going out for dinner as soon as our game of 'I don't care where we go, where do you want to go?' is finally f*cking over!
I had a "plant based" chicken leg from the chippy today, which was absolutely lovely. The chippy owner assured me that the chicken had been fed on nothing but corn since it was hatched.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry... I'll return!
