I've just received my bank statement and noticed that I've had payments go out for a water pistol, a pair of size 20 shoes, a trumpet and a red nose. I 'phoned the bank, and apparently my card's been clowned.
When I was a kid my mother told me to put a clean pair of socks on each day... By the time I got to Saturday I couldn't get my shoes on!
I'd advise anybody against pressing the 'Emergency Stop' button on a treadmill going at high speed. I just did at the gym, and the bloke on it went f*cking flying.
Alexa is supposed to know everything . So I asked “ what exactly do women want?” . That was last Tuesday morning - she hasn’t shut up yet .
To understand your enemy, first walk a mile in his shoes. That way you're a mile away. And you've got his shoes.
The worst thing about being a Giraffe is having so much time to consider your mistakes as you're sinking into quicksand.
I asked an elderly man once what it was like to be old and to know that the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said that the voice inside of his head had never aged. He had always just been the same boy . . . . his mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said that he watched his body age and his faculties dull, but the person that he was inside never got tired, never aged and never changed. Our spirits are eternal, and our souls are forever. The next time that you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know that they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m Dyslexic. But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase.
