Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

So sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a £50 note from her parents. Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below. Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.
The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her so, she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes.
"What's this?" she asked.
"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."

 

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

 

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Some people should be rounded up and locked in padded cells . . . .

 

I was called today by a woman conducting a phone survey.

She said ‘What do you know about dwarves ?’

I replied ‘Very little.’

 

How do you console an English Teacher ?

There, their, they're.

 

My gay dyslexic mate hasn't come out of the closet yet.

He's in Daniel.

 

To encourage me to eat when I was young my mam would put food on a spoon and say "here comes the train, here comes the train"

It always worked because she wouldn't untie me from the track until I'd eaten it.

 

What are the Dalek's favourite trees ?

YEW, WILLOW, BAY