A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
My wife isn't much good at cooking instructions. The recipe said 'separate two eggs.' so she put one in the living room and one in the hall.
Last summer I was on holiday with my wife in Vegas. On our last night we were having cocktails in the hotel bar when I realised that a rather dapper looking businessman kept looking over and staring at my wife. At first I didn't think anything of it, but when she excused herself to go to the toilet, he stood up and walked over to me. "Excuse me for being so rude, but I couldn't help but look at your wife", he said, exuding confidence. "Tell me . . . . are you aware of the film, Indecent Proposal ?" "Well y-y-yes", I stammered, trying to mask the excitementin my voice, "Why, are you about to make some kind of offer for one night with my wife ?" "No way" he laughed. "I just wanted to tell you that she looks just like Robert Redford"
The Dave Allen take on teaching kids the time is class Edit …. now scrolled down and see you’ve done it . I saw him live doing this - hysterical
I was in the queue at the bank when suddenly a dyslexic guy burst in shouting "get the stick down . . . . this is a **** up"
I'm considering taking the makers of pot noodle to court under the trades description act . . . I had eight of them yesterday and wasn't anywhere near to being stoned.
A bloke from Yorkshire goes to a jewellers. He says..... "can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog" ? Jeweller replies......"Aye cocka I reckon I can, dus tha wannit eighteen carat?" Bloke replies " na ya datf get, I wannit chowing a bone !!!"
