Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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I was in Vision Express earlier and saw Alan Carr and Christopher Biggins ...

... horrible spectacles.

 

I got the wife a 'get better soon' card today.

She isn't ill . . . . I just think that she could be better.

 

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him......

"You f*ck her again."

 

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.....

 

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood.

I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op.

 

A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week.
Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away.
Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman.
"You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass."
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job.
After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do.
He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."

 

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.

They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see 'Closed For The Winter'.

 

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A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.
The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:
"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys"
The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:
"Out of what?"

 

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Dear@Care4Calais
I have fled war torn London and passed through Beds, Herts and Bucks to Berkshire.
Can you get me a free house and full funding for living please.
I rather like the look of Ascot as I have family ties there,
(mum was a bugger for going to the races).