Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A mate of mine recently returned from a trip to Africa and whilst there got a terrible skin rash, so he went to the local doc who gave him some cream to rub on and told him to come back in a week.
He returned to the doc and said "Wow . . . . that cream is really good, it's cleared the rash up already, what is it?"
The doc replied "When any of my friends pass I boil their bodies for 7 days, and that is the fat skimmed off the top mixed with a local herb"
My mate replied "Blinkers . . . . what's it called ?"
"Pal-o-mine lotion" replied the doc.

 

Could be looking for a ban here Gordon mate.

 

A rich socialite commissioned an artist to paint her portrait.
He said his fee would be £5000, which she accepted without hesitation.
When she turned up the following week for her first sitting she reached into her bag and handed him £10000.
The artist was surprised and asked why she was paying him double the agreed fee:
"I want you to paint me in the nude"
She said. "Do you have any objections?"
"Not for £10,000 I don't!"
The artist replied. "But I would have to keep my socks on - I need somewhere to put my brushes."

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

Two little boys were talking in the School Playground.
One asked the other: "Where did you get that watch from?"
He replied: "I Caught my Dad kissing the next door Neighbour in the bedroom. My Dad asked me what I wanted to not say anything to my Mum. I told him I wanted a Rolex and here it is".
The other boy was aware that HIS Father was also having an Affair with HIS Neighbour and so bided his time until he knew they were in the bedroom togetjher.
The boy burst into the room and his Dad said: "What do YOU want?"
The boy replied: "I wanna watch."
His dad replied: "Well come in and shut the door".

 

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.

I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.

 

• Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some Canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year!
• Surely 90% of men in Manchester do that every weekend?

 

My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday.
He died the way he would have wanted to go.
He passed away peacefully in his sheep..

 

Totally agree

 

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I used to think trampoline was an ointment used by the homeless.