A sexual predator, a racist, and a narcissist walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What can I get you Mr. Trump?" There's a British version of this.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road, the basket fell off the seat and all of the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all of your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers, too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far. Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Auntie Karen . . . . Auntie Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all that she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun, and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Auntie Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself, then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Auntie Karen when she's been drinking."
A short Love Story . . . . A man and woman who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and a bit uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman to say "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket 'cos I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed. "'Good", she replied "Get your own fecking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. The End
Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre One says to the other “What are you in for”? The other replies “Endoscopy” “What’s that then”? the first bloke asks. “They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers. What are you in for”? replies the second bloke. “Camera up my bum" says the first bloke. “Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke “Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”
I have a problem that I need some advice about . . . . I suspected that my wife was seeing someone else. The usual signs, I pick the phone up when someone rings and they hang up, she has been going out a lot with the girls. I decided last night to hide behind the shed where I keep my boat and wait for her to come home. A car pulled up and she got out, buttoning up her top and then she took her pants from her bag and put them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something that can be welded, or do I have to replace the whole bracket ?
