Another owldy, but worth a repeat, I think . . . . A lad walks into a bar and said to the barman "for a free pint I can show you something amazing" So the barman agrees and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a miniature concert pianist only 10 inches tall and sets him on the nearby piano. The pianist plays beautifully. The bartender is wowed and says "that's amazing . . . . where did you find that little man?" The man says "I've got a tiny wizard in my other pocket and for a second pint I'll let you make a wish." The barman agrees and says "Wizard, I'd like 100,000 bucks" Suddenly the bar is filled with 100,000 ducks. The barman angrily shouts "what the hell, mate, I didn't want ducks" The man replies: "Do you think that I wished for a 10" pianist ?"
What does your daddy do for a living day at the primary school. Becky walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My dad is a fireman and he saves people's lives rescuing them from burning buildings". That's lovely says the teacher. Billy walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My daddy is a lifeboat man and he rescues people from the stormy seas". That's lovely says the teacher. Finally little Johnny walks slowly to the front of the class and mumbles as softly as he can "My daddy is a lap dancer in a gay club and he makes other men happy". Giggles around the classroom and the teacher ends the lesson, sending the class out for an early break time. She grabs Johnny's arm as he walks past and pulls him to one side. "Now Johnny", she says, "It's not really true that your daddy is a lap dancer in a gay bar, is it"? Reluctantly Johnny says "No Miss". "He actually plays for Newcastle Utd, but I couldn't tell them that could I !!!!!!"
They had a contest the other day at the Senior Citizens Centre. I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Fiji.
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1945 Colt pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!
Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members-only golf club, when a naked man, wearing a bag over his head, jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my husband." The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years! QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do? ANSWER: Australian Police Officer: Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights. 1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings? 9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Canadian Police Officer: BANG ! American Police Officer: BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! 'Click'...Reload... BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! Glasgow Police Officer: "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
