Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooooooooowww.

 

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

 

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”

 

• Think it"s fantastic how the Chinese can now say they've sent an astronaut into space.
• He's been officially named as Moon-Lan-Din.

 

• My wife has started visiting a new hairdressers run by a Geordie girl.
• Today my wife asked for a "perm".
• The Geordie girl started, "I wandered lonely as a cloud..."

 

I rented a building to store some furniture but it was too scary ...

... turned out to be a werehouse

 

Mrs Smug was mocking my regular choice of a full English breakfast and served me up some poncy muesli.

So I just stayed in bed when she called ...

... no chance I was going to rise to her bait.

 

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

 

Hate spelling errors, you mix up two letters and your whole post is urined!

 

An Irish man went to confession in his local Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’

 

I've just deleted all of the German names from my pre-owned 'phone . . . . it's Hans free now.