A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?' 'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your marriage' 'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?' 'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something. You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're OK!' After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...', he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?' 'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: "Thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink. Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied :"2.1 million Illegal Immigrants, 1.1 million Crackheads, 4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers, 900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons, Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission." They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who the hell did I miss out then?.......
Harry Redknapp was a bootleg moonshine producer before becoming a football manager . . . . please log in to view this image
A Travellers wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray. The next day in court the judge asks the Best Man his version of events....... Judge: "So then , please tell me your side of the story" Best Man: "Well your honour, it is travellers tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did....... O.K., I admit I was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of nowhere the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the pussy" Judge: "Gosh says the judge that must of hurt.." Best Man: "Hurt.... he broke 3 of my fingers !"
When Dave first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Dave became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Dave's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. How long will Dave be on crutches? asked his wife anxiously. Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor. Well, said the wife you are planning on lengthening his legs, aren't you?
