I've just been offered a franchise in Texas with a German car manufacturer. My Job Title is Audi Partner.
My wife says I shouldn't moan when she parks several inches out from the curb. But when I'm one inch out of place in the bedroom she goes berserk.
An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all feckin same."
Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "Fuc*king lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
Paddy and Mick walk past a shop in London. A sign in the window says, Suits £5 Coats £3 Trousers £2. Paddy says to Mick "look, we could buy a load of clothes and take them back to Dublin and sell them for more than 10 times what we pay for them." They go in and say to the woman behind the counter, "Hello, can we have 50 suits,100 coats, and 80 pairs of trousers please?" The woman replies "you're Irish aren't you?" Paddy says "Yes . . . . how did you know?" She replies "This is a dry cleaners, you daft c***."
I was in a pub in Dublin when a group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice "I hear that you Irish are renowned for being great drinkers. I bet €5,000 that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, the American noticed Shako leaving, and no-one took the bet. Forty minutes later Shako returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on ?" "Sure" said the American "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000." "Grand so" replied our Shaks "pour the pints and start the clock." It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "Ok yank . . . . pay up." said Shako "I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American, "but tell me . . . . when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go ?' Shako replied "Well sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it"
I went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday. It was all going well until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
An old girlfriend used to work the Durham clubs playing an accordion ... .... she billed herself as Consett Tina.
