So I came out the house at 5 am this morning to check if the car was frozen and I saw this bloke leaning on a wall with a walking stick I thought he must be out of breath just came out the door now at 6 40 and he's still there I shouted mate you alright then go no reply I walked down the road to check on him and its a smashed trampoline net hanging over the wall
Newcastle United had negotiated a new sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer until someone pointed out that having the word "Winalot" emblazoned on their shirts would be stretching the truth a little too far.
I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, here I am!"
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says "So what were you watching?" Billy says "Wimbledon".
With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume. After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Newcastle United shirt. "I think you have misheard me, I said I wanted to look like a count"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Our local cinema are trying to stop people smuggling their own sweets in, but they haven't managed to stop me. I have a few Twix up my sleeve.....
The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled. Organisers were unable to agree about who should go on first . . . . The Jam or Cream.
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
