The wife had the cheek to call me a lazy b*stard today, I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations..
I bought a Greyhound today. My wife said "Are you going to race him?" "No, he's f*cking faster than me." I replied.
In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal. You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy." I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"
Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub... One points to a dog licking its genitals and says: "Hey Bert, I wish I could do that" Bert marks a pause, and replies: "Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"