I once temporarily lived in a rented bedsit where the ceiling was so low I had to walk around doubled up ... ... it was OK but I grew tired of living in permanent limbo.
Paddy walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" "Why sure," said the manager, "I have a hanger you can use." A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how Paddy was doing. He heard another voice - Mick was inside the car, saying "No, no! A little more to the left."
The Reverend John Lipps was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar". The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Lipps". The bartender nodded "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job".
In bed with my Chinese girlfriend I happened to remark that her fa*ny seemed to be getting bigger. She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"
A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How's the second-hand pussy?" Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
I went into my local pet shop and said "Can I buy a goldfish ?" The man said "Do you want an aquarium ?" I said "I'm not really bothered about it's star sign"
There was a young man from Brighton Who thought he'd got hold of a tight'n. He said 'Oh my love, it fits like a glove' She said 'yes, but you're not in the right'n'
