Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. The M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
Incidents of incest almost doubled during lockdown ... ... I suppose the masks made it easier to pretend it was someone else
I went into the hairdressers today and said “what cut would make me look handsome?” She looked me up and down and said “probably a power cut”
An elderly Paddy lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, and slowly makes it to the kitchen. There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon . . . . ‘Feckin leave them alone’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral.'
Went into a ladies hairdressers and asked "do you cut woman's hair?" She said "of course!" I said "could you cut this one from my front teeth as it's driving me mad"
BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United confirm that following a scan - Paul Pogba has suffered a badly twisted sock and will miss the rest of the season. He will fly out to Dubai or the USA to get it ironed out.
A friend of mine was unfairly sacked whilst working on the bumper cars at the local fair. He’s taking them to a tribunal for funfair dismissal......
My partner took me out for a meal and said " Why don't you order something you haven't had in ages". So I asked the waitress for a shag.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?" The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
