Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless Mammy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought that it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which ended like this "God bless Mammy, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Oh, my gosh" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mammy and goodbye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was as nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock.
He thought that if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never known you work so late . . . . what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it . . . . I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think that you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me . . . . this morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

 

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work out?' they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great,' says the couple, 'but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' exclaims the frightened couple. 'Geez!' St. Peter exclaims, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?'"-

 

My wife did a massive belly flop at the swimming baths this morning.
And that was just in the changing room when she undid her jeans.

 

I'm not saying my wife's fat, but I got on top of her in bed last night...
and my ears popped.

 

Did you slap her thighs and ride in on the ripples

 

Ted "What did you say to Frank . . . . he's in a terrible state ?"
Bob "Well he said that he's got little bumps all over his body and I said that my uncle had that and he was dead the next week"
Ted "Well you didn't have to tell him that he died from it"
Bob "He didn't . . . . he was hit by a bus"

 

The wife shouted at me because I didn’t open the car door for her mother.

I said "I’m sorry, love, but I just panicked and swam to the surface"

 

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An atheist friend by tried to convert me ...

... he didn't have a prayer.

 

An elderly man in Northern Australia had owned a large farm for many years.
He had a large pond in the back which was properly shaped for swimming, so he'd fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and it was fruit picking season.
He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some of the fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Then holding up the bucket, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some men may be old but can still think fast.

 

Kev and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night inWisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car.
Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road.
She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk.
It was barely alive, but very cold. Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Kev says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?
"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there.
"Anne says, "But what about the smell?"
"Just hold his little nose."
Kev is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene..

 

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