[Dating] Women: *shave legs. do hair. Makeup. new shoes. matching purse. perfume* Men: Getting the beer stains out of the front of this shirt...
I was trying to get home in time for the football the other night, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving really slowly and kept stalling. "Come on you stupid tw*t!" I shouted. "Get a ****ing move on!" She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when this really ugly looking guy walked into the bar. She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum. Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your number, sexy.'" I replied, "Have you got a pen?" He smiled and said, "Yes." I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said, "Any chance of buying me one?" "No," I said. "You can't even drive."
My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily though, there was a pair of the girlfriends tights in the glove compartment. A quick w*nk soon took my mind off how skint I am.
My wife came back from shopping, she said.. “I’ve just seen my gynaecologist in Tescos and he recognised me!” I said.. “you’ll have to start wearing longer skirts!”
