I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.
My girlfriend and I went to see the new Batman movie last night on our 9th date. So far our dates have consisted of . . . . Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner, Batman.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and hehappily agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9..' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade' The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade' But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief….. Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.. Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief….. Ms. Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.. Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry:Shake hands.' The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question… Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck. The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a packa...ge of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Little Johnny asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job." Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?" Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too, I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 mortgage and no fu*king bike!"
