I once tried a record breaking attempt to circumnavigate the world on roller skates ... ... but I completely lost my bearings
A prostitute goes to see a gynecologist with severe stomach pains. After she had stripped off and the doctor had examined her, he said "The issue is with your aviaries". She said "Don't you mean ovaries doctor?" He replied "No, there's been a cockatoo in there!"...
Strange to see so many tattoos on professional football players, considering how low their pain threshold is.
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SH*T."
I got rid of my Geordie boyfriend because he said I had a massive fanny ... ... when I dropped my knickers he said, 'Why bonny lass, that's a canyon'. Copyright my Uncle George
My Building Permit: I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim. The City Council told me to go to hell. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. .........Work starts on Monday...
A bouncer is checking IDs at the door of Pat's Bar and spots a horribly drunk man stumbling up to him. Before the drunk man says anything the bouncer turns him away by letting him know that he's too drunk to be let in. Drunk guy is nice about it, nods to the bouncer and walks off. Moments later the bouncer sees the side door of the bar open and close. He goes over to check it out only to notice the same drunk man. The bouncer then says to the man "I just told you that you're too drunk to be let in. Go home will you" The drunk man looks at him with a bit of disbelief, but nods his head and leaves the way that he came in. A few more moments go by, but while the bouncer is surveying the bar he notices the back door open and close again. Upon inspecting the door sure enough it's the same drunk man. This time, a bit more upset, he grabs the drunk and says "listen, I've already told you 'no' twice. Get the hell out of here" The drunk man looks at him with a bit of annoyance and responds "How many ****ing pubs do you work in ?"
