I've just had a bloke knock on my door asking me to sign the organ donor register. I thought, there's a man after my own heart!
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ". The guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeating the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the guy says, '99'." The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three"
make me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe. I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I was Christened by my parents, which now labels me as an infidel. I have always eaten whatever was put in front of me by my parents or my host, which makes my views on faddish food discrimination quite unacceptable. I open doors for ladies which makes me a misogynistic, sexist, pig. I am retired, which makes me useless. I think and I reason, therefore I distrust much that the main stream media tells me; this makes me a reactionary. I eschew social media since it reflects only opinions, mis-information and the madness of crowds; this makes me a blinkered dinosaur. I am proud of my heritage, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist. I (and most of the people I know), acquired a fair education without student loan debts and little or no debt, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever. I believe in the defence and protection of my country and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces; this now makes me a right wing-militant. Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore! Funny ...it’s all just taken place over the last 3 or 4 years! If all this wasn’t enough to deal with ... now I’m not even sure which toilet to go into.
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
I've just finished decorating my bonnet for Easter, covering it in chicks and eggs and bunnies. The car's failed it's MOT now, though !
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers "They're behind you !"
A Chinese man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks "Where did you get it ?" The parrot replied "China . . . . it's full of them"
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 10 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.THANK YOU!
