Oh believe me I totally agree with you but I need to hoy the odd naff one in to learn about my audience
The Queen has controversially chosen Prince Andrew, to escort her to the memorial service for The Duke of Edinburgh. Be fair. The Royals could hardly leave him behind to look after the kids.
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees: "I don't want to know." The child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asks. “What's wrong?” "Oh, dad." The boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fu*k, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Whenever me and the wife fall out, she has this little trick to make everything better... F*cks off to her mums for a week!
I've just paid for an all inclusive two week holiday at a 5 star hotel in Paris for my wife and her mother. That's how much I f*cking hate the French.
A woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A friend of hers calls one day and says "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?" "Oh that's not a problem" she says "When I go out, I put the female upstairs." "and does that do the trick?" asks her friend. "Well" she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund go upstairs with a hard on?"
Two Swedes, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me." VAIT!!! Dere's MORE! Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!! Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Does anyone know what a Rorschach ink blot test is? I Googled it, but all that I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me.
Was in Newcastle over the weekend, came out of the pub and there was a scrounger sat on the floor dog by his side, blanket over him. He asked us both "Got any change for food" mate said KNOCK KNOCK, vagrant said....... who's there!! mate said.... thought you were feking homeless
