A posh lady board member is being shown around her new hospital by the Matron.In the first room in the ward, she sees a patient furiously w*nking in bed. "Good Grief!" She exclaims, "That"s disgusting! Why is that man w**king in bed?" "Well," the matron explains, "that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn"t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode!" "Oh I see. That poor man," says the lady. Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse. Shocked, the lady says "This is terrible, what"s your explanation for this?" "He"s got the same condition as the first man," replies the matron, "but he"s with BUPA."
I was walking my dog through the park today when a warden came over and said, "There's a £50 fine for dogs who foul the footpath." "Well that's not going to bother him." I replied pointing to my dog, "He's never got any money."
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat under the bar 2. The bouncer on the front door is a blonde girl 3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler Now, think about it carefully, do you still want to tell that joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "do I look like a gardener !" Next time the sink was dripping, and she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the tap?" The husband replied, "do I look like a plumber !" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she asked him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "do I look like an electrician !" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the tap is fixed, and the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here ?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbour . . . . he came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him ?" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks "Phew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him ?" The wife replies, "do I look like Nigella Lawson !"
Me & the wife are thinking about just turning off the heating and going on a Caribbean cruise for 6 months in an effort to save money ....
