Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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One of my daughters just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all of my clothes out of the window, take my TV, my stereo, iPhone, iPod and my laptop from me.
Please take all of my jewellery to Cash Converters, then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me & throw me out of the house. Then disown me & never talk to me again, and don't forget to write me out of your will & leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn't put it quite like that . . . . she actually said "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, who supports The Skunks”

 

Class

 

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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

You can see what's coming a mile off, but . . . .

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Good morning Miss Whack, I'd like to take out a £25,000 loan for a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to offer the bank some security against the loan.

The frog says, "Well, I have this" and produces a tiny bright pink porcelain elephant, about an inch tall.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to run it past the bank manager and promptly disappeared through a door into an office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £25,000, and he wants to use this as security."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, is he joking?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

Ten minutes to take off, no f**King way