Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, then another, and another !

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1). Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2). There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3). There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4). Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5). Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6). We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7). The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8). David slew Goliath . . . . he did not kick the **** out of him.

9). When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say that he was stoned off his ass.

10). We do not refer to the cross as “The big T.”

11). When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12). The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”

13). The recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.'

14). Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

GOOD NEWS FOR INSOMNIACS....ONLY 3 SLEEPS TO CHRISTMAS.

 

Sky News: ‘British swimmer killed in Australia great white shark attack ‘died doing what he enjoyed’ What? Being eaten by a f*cking shark??

 

I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to a place fifty miles away. When we arrived, I got him to sit for an hour with the engine running, then told him to take me home.
When we got back he asked, 'What was the purpose of that journey?' I replied, 'It was just cheaper than sitting in the house with the heating on.'

 

Top tip:

Teach yourself Arabic, by gargling a handful of pubes.

 

And still made it to the pub for a pint.....